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September 19, 2012

What’s Normal?

In a text I used the phrase ‘back to normal’ and got a reply of ‘Normal? What’s that? It’s been so long.’ That got me pondering what really is normal.

When it comes to sex, intimacy and connection normal is a loaded term; it essentially means how others want us to behave. That’s not authentic; instead that’s living my life for someone else’s sake. What is my authentic sexual self? Hmmm, I haven’t really thought of that much before. I should though. We’re encouraged to be aware of our authentic self in all other aspects of life – why not be aware of our authentic sexual self.

I think I avoided this topic because I was scared. Coming from my sheltered Mid-western background, I didn’t want to be labelled as a freak. Yes looking back, I knew as early as high school that I had very a different perspective on sex than most others. Sex was a powerful force that not only felt good, but I also knew that pleasure could lead to something much more profound.

Of course, this sometimes got me into trouble. I realized that I was the outsider. Others saw sex as pleasure. I saw it as pleasure but with limitless possibilities for new experiences. I didn’t want the label of freak, but I really did look at pleasure in a very different way. I tried to bury my head and pretend that I was something other than my authentic sexual self. Burying my head wasn’t sustainable.

One of my teachers, Joseph Kramer, uses the term ‘erotically gifted.’ I’ve really come to appreciate this term; I think it fits perfectly. Being erotically gifted is more than a high sex drive; it’s a deep and profound dedication to experiencing and sharing pleasure. It’s the ability to connect with almost anyone on a deep, personal and profound level. It’s consciously and temporarily setting my desires aside so that I can be with another’s erotic energy for the sole purpose of helping him with an experience. It’s letting go of the fear and diving deep into pleasure for the sake of pleasure. It’s taking emotional risks to really get to know myself and my relation with the divine.

Unfortunately our culture doesn’t know what to do with the erotically gifted. We don’t think that pleasure is that important. I do. It’s as important as politics, the environment or most anything else going on in the world. When we’re sexually fulfilled, we’re at peace, we can relate to others on a more authentic level. The world could be a better place if more of us were sexually fulfilled.

Yet, these are the gifts of the erotically gifted. I’m learning how to change the label I apply to myself from freak to shaman.

Actually, normal is pretty boring!

3 Comments on “What’s Normal?

Anna
October 24, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Dear sir…

I have just discovered your website/blog, and I must say it is both refreshing and inspired. I am a 26 yr old hetero female, but it is as though your posts (and this one in particular) are speaking to me.

Even as a young girl I knew that I had very different ideas about love and sexuality than many of my generation. I’ve always believed, since I first read of it at age 8, that the act of sex HAD to be something more. As I got older, I became discontent with the way sex was presented; as an emotionless act of mere procreation…as a thing to be jealously guarded…or worse, as a weapon to be used to bribe/bargain with. It was disturbing to know that I was considered the “freak” for NOT thinking this way!

I had always presumed that my beliefs were different because I feel “genderless”. I do not think of myself as male or female…I am ME, with no strings attached (though my body is unmistakably woman). Luckily, I have a wonderful male lover who enjoys many different forms of sex and roleplay, so I never feel “stuck” in the feminine role. 🙂

“Erotically gifted”, eh? That is certainly the term for me! You, dearheart, have described my feelings to a T in the above paragraphs. To give of oneself to another, simply because you know of the pleasure it will bring…Yes! This is what sexuality is! Again, sir, thank you for your posts. I am so warmed by the fact that there are others who think as I do. Perhaps there is hope for our species yet…

Blessings,
-Anna

P.S.- I saw your photos referenced in another comment, and simply had to look. I hope you don’t mind me saying that you are a breathtaking example of manhood. Thank you for sharing such wondrous pictures…your partners are truly ones to be envied!

Reply
Anna
October 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Dear sir…

I have just discovered your website/blog, and I must say it is both refreshing and inspired. I am a 26 yr old hetero female, but it is as though your posts (and this one in particular) are speaking to me.

Even as a young girl I knew that I had very different ideas about love and sexuality than many of my generation. I’ve always believed, since I first read of it at age 8, that the act of sex HAD to be something more. As I got older, I became discontent with the way sex was presented; as an emotionless act of mere procreation…as a thing to be jealously guarded…or worse, as a weapon to be used to bribe/bargain with. It was disturbing to know that I was considered the “freak” for NOT thinking this way!

I had always presumed that my beliefs were different because I feel “genderless”. I do not think of myself as male or female…I am ME, with no strings attached (though my body is unmistakably woman). Luckily, I have a wonderful male lover who enjoys many different forms of sex and roleplay, so I never feel “stuck” in the feminine role. 🙂

“Erotically gifted”, eh? That is certainly the term for me! You, dearheart, have described my feelings to a T in the above paragraphs. To give of oneself to another, simply because you know of the pleasure it will bring…Yes! This is what sexuality is! Again, sir, thank you for your posts. I am so warmed by the fact that there are others who think as I do. Perhaps there is hope for our species yet…

Reply
Tim warner
November 26, 2012 at 3:28 am

Dear ED,

Erotically gifted is a new term for me. I have considered my desire to truly bring sexual gratification to other men as a vocation. It seems to bother some when i — in the abstract- discuss my sexual desires and the fact that my greatest sexual pleasure consists of bringing sexual pleasure, non-reciprocal – to other guys. Some of us are like that.

It’s great to read your encouraging perspective!

Tim

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