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December 30, 2011

Reset

Mile 1

Mile 1Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. The end of one year and the beginning of another. It’s that time on the calendar when we all get to reset ourselves. We close out one year and look forward to starting another.

I remember as a kid taking road trips with my family. (I still enjoy road trips!) I remember going into a new state as a new adventure – a time to start over.

This theme of resets has been prominent in my life lately. Life has a way of bringing us resets too. It seems to me that things go in a 7 year cycle for me. Seven years ago, I left the comfortably numb corporate world behind and opened a new chapter to live my life the way I wanted to. There have been adventures and lessons throughout this chapter, but the one prominent lesson is to believe and trust in myself. It’s easy to forget this important lesson but it also has a way of reminding me – sonetimes gently and sometime with a sharp slap across the face.

I’m feeling that it’s time to close and open a new chapter now. This time the chapter is around my relationships. I’ve been in a primary relationship for almost 25 years. We’ve had our ups and downs as does any relationship; however, there are also several big things that are preventing me from being truly happy with the relationship.

There are people in this world who see the glass as half full – I think I’m one of those. There are also people who live their entire existence seeing the glass as half empty. My primary partner has been living with a deep depression for decades. I can’t cure it (believe me I’ve tried!) I can tell him of my hopes and dreams for us, but I can’t change the way he sees life. We all live with filters – seeing what we choose to see – no one can change anyone else’s filter. Only we can do that for ourselves.

I’m between taking care of my partner and supporting him through his journey and also taking care of myself and supporting myself through my journey. I’ve spent many years helping and supporting and I’ve finally realized that I can’t live his journey for him. I can’t remove his pain – only he can do that.

This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man.

– Hamlet

I’ve decided that I need to close the current chapter. We both need to see what’s next. I love my primary partner dearly and hope that the next chapter keeps us somehow involved in each other’s lives. At the same time, I’m also clear that I must grow and I can’t do that while attached to the relationship in this form.

It took beginning the Daddy/boy relationship with Scratch to wake me up to how miserable I have been. Of course, I have dreams; at the same time, I am under no illusions about where things may go with Scratch. I look forward to growing this new relationship but I’m also very aware that only time will tell what awaits us. Regardless of where things go with David, I’ve been awakened to what life is like in a happy, functional relationship. I’ve realized that I deserve that and I am resolved to reclaim my life.

I look forward to life in 2012!

Happy New Year!

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