November 1, 2010


I sometimes joke that many men spend the first half of their lives running away from erections and the second half wondering where they all went!

Performance anxiety is something that affects many millions of men around the world. Most men have experienced some degree of performance anxiety sometime in their life. One moment we’re in the mood, ready to go and then suddenly and without warning something happens. The body stops reacting and we’re let down – in more ways that one.

For most of us this is a momentary glitch, or it’s very occasional. But, even though its cause may be unknown or even long gone, regaining composure is almost impossible. Once that one-off event happens, the moment has passed and is often replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. This often fools men into believing there is a more serious problem or long-term issues to confront. In many cases we fear getting older.

The causes can be both physical and psychological.I first like to recommend that a man see his health care provider. In some cases, physiological issues are getting in the way. These issues include being overweight, high blood pressure and reactions from certain medications. Once these physiological issues are ruled out we can focus on other psychological issues.

In many cases these can be rectified quite easily. What could have started as a single incident of performance anxiety becomes a self-perpetuating problem. The fear of it happening again can actually cause it to happen when it otherwise wouldn’t. A good way to assess if your performance issues are anxiety-related is to monitor whether this happens only during intercourse with others or during masturbation too. If it also occurs during masturbation and you cannot clearly explain it away due to tiredness or a passing illness, then there may be a more considerable physical or psychological cause.

There are plenty of things that you can do.

  • Exercise. Exercise is proven to not only assist your physical health, but it also improves your mental health and general self-perception. It also helps with our erotic life. You feel better after a pleasant workout. Your mental agility, imagination, thought processes and state of mind all improve through exercise. You can feel more confident and capable, and your body feels more in tune.
  • Presence. We are often so goal oriented. Sex is not a race. Your focus should not be on simply trying to reach orgasm; rather, spend time enjoying the journey. Take your time to explore your body and your partner’s body. Take some nice, deep breaths. Set an intention of NOT being hard and enjoy those sensations. Take your time to explore your body with your partner, use foreplay and touch as tools to build the excitement.
  • Relax. If you go soft into it there’s no need to worry. Use the opportunity as a time to explore the pleasures of a soft dick. This isn’t a time to go fast and furious to get hard again. Rather, experiment with slowing down and explore the pleasures of a soft cock. You just may be surprised!
  • Abstinence. I’m not necessarily talking about abstaining from sex – just abstain from ejaculation. Try building the sexual energy and not cum for a few days. See what there is to notice. Alternatively, learn some methods of edging. Bring yourself close to climax repeatedly, and by the time you’re due to meet your partner you just may be surprised!
  • Don’t accept criticism. If your partner thinks it’s funny to make light of your situation, explain to them how it makes you feel. Most of all, explain to them that their attitude will certainly not be helping! Additionally, if this is the kind of partner you have, do they even deserve you and your dick?
  • Diversify. For the single guys out there, have you actually tried being a little more experimental? We all have fetishes and little quirks that make us interesting, so why not explore them? If they’re healthy and do no harm, what have you got to lose? Experiment with anal pleasure; you may be pleasantly surprised. Try out some interesting SM play? Experiment with a new toy. Even take a look and the gender you usually play with. I know gay guys who have experimented with women, bi guys who have suggested a threesome and their partner agreed and straight guys who have experimented with men.

Of course, there are medical options. I really prefer the natural option, but the performance prescription drugs often work well. I don’t like relying on popping a pill, but there are times when the pill can give you just the extra confidence that may be helpful for you.There are also other drugs that may be more helpful – ask your doctor. There are also natural options that can be explored. For example, l-arginine, a common amino acid available in a health food stores, increases nitric oxide production which also makes erections easier. Again, talk with your health care provider.

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