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August 20, 2016

Online Dating

I’ve recently had several conversations with guys looking to get back in the dating pool again after a long absence. The conversation invariably turns toward online dating. While we can bemoan the rise of online dating and the decline of flirting, the reality is that online dating is here and not going away so we need to have some degree of comfort with it if we’re looking to meet people.

There are many sites for guys looking to meet other guys. These sites run the gamut from casual dating and meetup sites to sites for guys looking primarily for sexual hookups. There are sites geared toward different age groups, fetishes, and for guys looking to meet older/younger guys.

The one common element that all the sites have is a profile. For the uninitiated, a profile is your online advertisement; it’s the place where you get to tell others about yourself and what you’re looking for. It’s what others will see first when someone finds you interesting so creating a good profile is a must!

The best place to begin is to be clear on what you’re looking for. If you want to meet for long walks in the park say so. If you’re looking for sex then be clear on that too. If you’re looking for some elements from both say so.

The biggest problem I see with online profiles is that either the person is using a site not geared toward what they really want or that the profile isn’t reflective of what they want. So, be clear on what you want. If you’re looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex, say so. If you’re looking for a LTR (long term relationship) say what you’re looking for in that relationship. What are your concerns on health and safety – would you play with someone who is HIV positive? Or HIV negative?

Align your profile with your values and desires. Is monogamy important to you? Are you curious about other relationship agreements but also a bit confused and unsure – then say so. Are you hoping for someone to explore a kink with you? Say your desires!

In your profile, accentuate the positive, reduce the negative. It’s easy to say what you don’t want. It takes more thought and reflection to be clear on what you do want. There are so many profiles that eliminate so many guys  – no fats, no fems, no blacks, no whites, no asians – the list goes on and on. Rather that saying what you don’t want, say what you do want – look again at your values. If you do have some non-negotiable wants then state those; for example, I am clear in my profiles that if you use meth we’re not a good match and I don’t play with tweakers.

One of the biggest challenges is which photos to use. My overall guideline is use photos that are recent, appropriate, and suggestive of what you’re looking for. Photos should be recent – they don’t need to be taken last week, but they should be an accurate image of what you look like now. Yes, hair length and facial hair change, but the photos should be taken in the last year or so. Many guys are looking for honesty – whether it’s in an NSA hookup or an LTR – honesty is key and nothing damages honesty more than a photo that’s not accurate.

I’ve seen guys use 20 year old photos. First of all hairstyles and fashion change and these are often a dead giveaway that the photo was taken quite some time ago. Second, you’re going to meet eventually and once he sees that you weren’t honest in your photo you start off with one big strike against you.

Most guys would prefer a nice facial shot rather than a dick pic; this is true even when you’re looking for an NSA hookup. If you want to show some skin, a good shirtless shot can work wonders! Sure, full body naked shots are nice, but they’re generally not the primary thing guys are looking for.

On some NSA hookup sites you’ll find a lot of naked photos. If you do want to post naked pics, avoid headless shots. Most guys are primarily attracted to faces and a headless shot won’t do you justice. If you’re concerned about naked photos getting out in the wild (and they will) go for a teasing body shot shows lots of skin but leaves your cock to the imagination. I also suggest not having too many cock pics – yes everyone has one, yes, we’re curious. But endless cock pics get old quick.

As you meet guys, get a sense of what they’re like from chatting within the app. Sometimes this will be via back and forth messages and some sites have messaging features. Use these communication methods to get to know what he’s looking for and if he’s a good match for you. Be clear on expectations for your first meetup. On a social site it may be more appropriate to meet in a public place first to get to know him better. If the site is geared toward hookups, then be clear if you’re will to play on the first meetup.

If things aren’t working, respect yourself and leave if you need to. I remember my first hookup in Vegas was a horrid affair and I left within just a few minutes – the guys wasn’t at all what he claimed to be. On the other hand, I’ve met some incredible, funloving, and playful guys though the hookup sites and several have become good friends!

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