January 16, 2012

Finding My Inner Top

I’ve been exploring my inner top lately. My inner top is where I get to explore my masculine animal. While I definitely believe that I can also be a masculine sub, top space is where I get to play with my domineering, controlling self.

This head space hasn’t always been natural for me. I remember going back to junior high when other boys would beat me up for not being masculine enough. I didn’t even know what masculinity was back then; but I clearly didn’t have the usual outward signs of a comfortably masculine 12 year old.

Early on I learned that masculinity also meant violence. The only real role model I had early on was my father and his violent outbursts just made me want to run away from anything I thought was masculine. I’ve come to realize now that, for a time in my life, I was scared of masculinity.

As I explored subbing, I found that I could reclaim my masculinity. I learned how to transform the violence I experienced when younger into pleasure. The ability to transform is an incredible power! I learned how to claim my masculinity for myself – not as how I thought anyone else defined it for me.

I learned how to find my inner beast. My beast is all about my personal expression of masculinity. Sometimes, that expression is aggressive and primal. Other time it’s soft and cuddly. Connecting with the aggressive and primal part of my beast provides me with a path into my top energy. Top energy is aggressive and primal. It takes control; however, it takes control only when it is given control. For this reason the primal beast is also combined with my heart.

When I combine the beast with my heart magic happens. I let my wild side out to play and that play is not all about me. I get to dominate and control, but my heart is full of connection and love. That connection and love is what allows me to be aware of my partner’s energy. That awareness and presence helps me be the kind of top that he needs in the moment. That connection and love reminds me that this is all about play and keeping it fun is nurturing is important.

The alpha top that is consumed with domination at the expense of what the sub feels or wants scares the hell out of me. When topping turns into ‘I get everything I want regardless of what you want’ that, to me, borders on violence. I see way too much of this in the gay men’s world. To me, it reminds me of the classic boorish definition of masculinity.

Maybe it’s because my topping is a reflection of my subbing, but there are always limits. The job of my inner top is to understand and respect those limits while also stretching the sub into areas that he didn’t know he could experience. It really is all about connection and love.

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