One of the big secrets of gay marriage for me has been the issue of monogamy. Gay marriage was achieved through many levels but one of those arguments was that we’re just like everyone else and deserve to have our white picket fenced house and happily monogamous relationship. I certainly don’t want to detract from those that desire this, but many gay men I know don’t live that way.
Many gay men have some degree of an open relationship. Openness can take many forms from “don’t ask don’t tell” to extensive sharing to polyamory. For me, the key issue with any relationship isn’t monogamy – it’s honesty and integrity. When your relationship and sex life is in alignment with your personal values is where most people find happiness.
I’ve been looking at my sexual relationships though this lens of personal values. I found that I have two very important values: openness and intimacy. Openness to me means I desire sexual connections with several men – I’m just not the monogamous type. I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work for me. At the same time, I also crave intimacy – that feeling of emotional closeness that only comes from a strong connection with someone. I do believe that eyes are the windows into the soul and I need eye connection and emotional intimacy with my sexual partners.
As I looked at my values I realized that I crave a circle of intimates – a very small handful of people that are in the inner circle of my life. These are people who are just as comfortable fucking as going out to dinner or other events. I know that I don’t need lots of sex partners – in fact, I find casual sex somewhat lacking. But a circle of intimates for me has the best of both worlds that, for me, leads to sexual and relationship fulfillment.