June 6, 2012

Advice From A Masturbation Coach

I wrote this for men’s site that focuses, among other things, on our sexuality. I thought I’d share it here too…

Yes, I coach men on how to make masturbation a more satisfying experience. Wait a sec, isn’t this something that most men are pretty accomplished at?

Actually I believe that many of us need help and, yes, some adventuresome men will pay for advice in this area. No, this isn’t just an excuse for a circle jerk.

Most of us learned to masturbate when we were somewhere around 11 to 14 years old. Unfortunately, as adults most of us do it the same way as we learned way back then. The quickie version that most of us still practice may have been useful for us way back when, but often isn’t that satisfying as we age.

Think about it, the early adolescent experience is focused entirely on ejaculation (usually fast and often), not getting caught (quick and quiet) and removing any evidence as quickly as possible (quickly clean up with no time to savor.) We carry this same fervent focus as adults. No wonder I hear so many men complain that while masturbation is a way to have an ejaculation, it’s really not that satisfying. It’s because we’re still wanking the same way.

It’s time to look at masturbation as an adult. So, how do we do that?

Communicate. In some ways male masturbation is the last taboo. We joke about it all the time, but when was the last time you honestly talked about it? Or even consciously thought about how to make it better? Many guys continue the habit developed when we were younger to make masturbation a hidden, furtive experience. When we were younger we hid it from parents, in school we hid it from roommates and as adults we hide it from our partners. I don’t believe that it can truly become a pleasurable practice until we communicate with our partners about it.

Masturbation is a great way when we’re younger to learn about sexuality. Later, we enter into relationships and mistakenly believe that this part of our erotic life will suddenly go away to be replaced with partnered connection. The reality for many is that both continue to co-exist. Partnered sex and solo sex meet different and complimentary human needs. One of the most intimate ways of connecting with your partner is to talk about your solo activities. Talk with your partner about your practice and find ways to be more open about what you already do. Take your masturbation out of the bathroom!

Slow down. Now that you have some room to be more open about your practice don’t be in such a rush. Warm up your body by taking the first 15 or 20 minutes and involve your entire body except for your genitals. You wouldn’t start a workout without a warm-up; erotic practice is no different. Use this time to check in with your body and discover what your body really wants. Practice quieting your mind and listen to your body. Become aware of the dissonance between what your head wants and you’re your body wants. Maybe you don’t need the usual fast and furious stroking; slow and sensual can be a nice change of pace.

Try out different strokes. Even using your other hand can offer a very different experience. When we slow down we begin to notice new and subtle sensations that are often overlooked when things are going so fast. Oh, and since you already talked with your partner, you can take your time!

Savor. Most guys use our sense of vision much more than the other senses. Close your eyes. If you’re adventurous put on a blindfold. Discover what there is to experience from the other senses. Let go of goals and bring your attention to the pleasures of the journey. By slowing down, those subtle sensations that signal an approaching orgasm become much more apparent.

I suggest looking at erotic pleasure on a scale from one to 10; one is hardly feeling anything and 10 is orgasm. Look at the subtle differences between a six and a seven. When approaching an eight, try to practice coming back down to a seven. When in the nine to 10 range, slow down even more and feel what there is to savor.

Turn off the porn. Porn can be a spark to get things started, but it quickly becomes distracting. Porn is nothing more than manufactured erotic fantasy. It takes us away from the experience. It’s all too easy to lose sensation in the body because we’re fixated on what’s on the screen. But many guys will say, “Without porn it’s boring.” When you close your eyes and bring your attention inward to savor the experience many men quickly that porn isn’t needed. If some external stimulation is important, consider aural stimulation. The sound of other people can be very exciting to hear and doesn’t remove us from our own experience.

Make it a practice. A workout regimen is a practice. Yoga is a practice. Masturbation can be a practice too. Keep striving to learn new things about yourself. Tell your partner what you’re learning and incorporate those learnings onto your lovemaking. Make masturbation a conscious choice. Set aside time to savor the gift of your body rather than looking at it the way we did when we were younger.

A practice involves conscious choices. Begin with scheduling. Find time when you aren’t rushed and can clear that task list in your head. When we’re focused on what we have to do next, it’s hard to let go and surrender to the pleasure. A great gift of sex is that it can be a mind wash to help us put all parts of life into perspective. Use this gift with intention.

Be conscious around ejaculation. Ejaculation when the body doesn’t need it is draining; ejaculation when the body does want it is life-affirming. I believe that there are times when we need to ejaculate and there are times when we don’t. Learn how to differentiate the two. Listen to your body; sometimes the message is quite loud. Follow what you body needs rather than the habits we’ve developed.

Try out some of these ideas and see what it’s like to move an important part of our erotic life to more accurately reflect our adult desires. It’s time to grow up.

9 Comments on “Advice From A Masturbation Coach

Scott Kastel
June 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

You are entirely correct, it is not the destination —- it is what we experience making our way to the destination……

June 20, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I found your observations very interesting and needed. You didn’t say anything about men who are at 0-3 and experience nothing for an orgasm. I stopped having orgasms a few years ago and don’t know why. Any thots on low or no orgasm sensations? Is there anything involving awareness and process that would change that?

You left out some words in the “Turn off the porn” paragraph. You wrote, “When you close your eyes…many [men] quickly [realize/find/decide?] that porn isn’t needed.”

July 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm

There are many reasons why someone would no longer experience orgasms. The first step I suggest is to contact your physician to rule out any physiological factors. I can’t really address your specific situation here, but I’m happy to set up a time to chat and offer a few suggestions based on your particular situation.

October 29, 2012 at 12:46 am

I found myself having a more intense organism if my legs are up in the air and if I watch porn with more of a sensual slow theme to it. Why is that?

October 29, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Each of us has our own likes. I really don’t know why you like that position and watching sensual porn, but I wouldn’t spend time wondering why. I’d just put my legs up and enjoy it!

June 1, 2014 at 8:12 pm

I started jacking off when I was 12 and have lived it ever since…I’m 51 now and have a great partner. I still like getting off by myself, pretty much daily. Grab an old t shirt, cut off the bottom and tie your nuts up. Then, rub them before you go to work on your dick. I end up shooting over my shoulder most times. Fuckin’ A man. I wish there were more guys out there who would tell us how they like it. Tied nuts, kinda tight, leads to a great orgasm. And use baby oil. It’s so fuckin’ intense!
Have a good time men! I wish I could jack off with each and every one of you. My cock is really fuckin’ hard!

June 2, 2014 at 11:00 am

Thanks. I too like my balls stretched and tied; I use a ball stretcher for that. My favorite lube is coconut oil. It has a great consistency, lasts forever and keeps my skin soft as well!

June 15, 2016 at 8:01 pm

Love this convo thread! (Leaking in my undies as I type this)

Masturbation will always be apart of who I am and I’m always looking for more ways to have fun with myself

May 21, 2017 at 1:11 pm

Is there a coach in Manhattan NYC that anyone can Recommend?
Gay man beginning to have ED


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