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Sacred Touch for Men Relax your body. Reclaim your pleasure. Find your passion.

Sex Magic

Posted by ed on March 14, 2014
Posted in our body  | Tagged With: , | 1 Comment

So far 2014 has been a year of change. I welcome much of this change, but any change requires destruction and that destruction can make me nervous.

As this past week has brought a crescendo of potential changes into my life. I see that these changes have potential to bring a lot of answers to things I’ve been wanting; nevertheless, that pesky destruction keeps coming up.

Since my head has been so occupied with all this possibility I’ve been finding sleep elusive this week. Last night I woke up again wide awake. Rather than stare at the smoke alarm light flashing, I decided to spend some time in my body.

I ended up masturbating for around two hours. I found that the head noise kept coming in. Then I would bring my attention back to the sensations and my body. Then the noise. Then back to body. Repeat.

As I kept hearing the noise of possibility, I remembered back to my 12 year old self. As I was masturbating, I recalled that first ejaculation. That first time when I felt that magic. Remembering that first time kicked me right back into my body – right back to that time in the bath tub, when I experienced my first orgasm.

As I kept that image in my mind, I could feel my body let go in preparation for another orgasm. I held the vision of my 12 year old self – the boy beginning his journey and all the possibilities ahead of him. I then had one of the most powerful orgasms of my life. My penis felt it was on fire and my body surged with energy. I released.

As I was experiencing the aftershocks, my mind kept on the vision of my 12 year old self. I started crying. Crying not of sadness – more as a release. I’ve been so needing an emotional letting go of a cry yet I usually find it so difficult to do so. This cry felt so good!

I look forward to where these opportunities may take me!

Toxic Masculinity

Posted by ed on July 25, 2013
Posted in masculinity  | Tagged With: , , | 1 Comment

toxic-mascI just wrote about masks several days ago and this morning I read about a Kickstarter campaign for a documentary on how we’re failing our boys. I find this documentary fascinating because I have yet to see a good definition of what masculinity is. Yet, I’ve experienced when I’ve fallen short of that definition throughout my life.

We hide behind a mask of supposed masculinity lest anyone find out about our anxieties. We stay stoic and unemotional lest anyone see our vulnerability. (Then we wonder why others find us unapproachable.)

I can’t define what masculinity is either. Yes, I can offer examples and there are those in my life who I believe are good models for masculinity. The common thread I see in these models is a paradox of masculinity.

The first paradox is to be strong yet vulnerable. There’s much to admire about strength. It took many lessons for me to understand that I can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. We need more models of this.

Another paradox is to be fierce yet compassionate. Fierceness is about staying determined and focused toward my goals. Fierceness doesn’t mean climbing over everyone else in order to get to my goals. We can be both focused and compassionate but there are so few models on how to behave in this way. I’m still learning.

Masculinity is about being stable yet emotional. I know I’ve often thought these these two concepts were mutually exclusive – nothing is further from the truth. Stability and courage go hand in hand with fright and anxiety. I’m learning, sometimes with great challenges, that it’s possible to be both strong and stable for myself and for others while also accepting my own fear and anxiety.

Finally, men are primal yet tender. Yes, we can express ourselves in a raw primal way. At the same time we can be tender, caring and affectionate. Testosterone is a powerful drug. It can, and often does, make us crazy, angry, and very very horny. At the same time, we can learn to balance those primal feelings with tenderness.

I believe that these are some key lessons in masculinity.

Faerie Wisdom

Posted by ed on May 6, 2013
Posted in connectionGay life  | Tagged With: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Beltane-poleI just returned from 10 days with the Radical Faeries celebrating Beltane.

This was my first Beltane celebration and my first extended experience with the Faeries. The entire experience unfolded rather quickly. I wasn’t planning on going until, almost at the last minute, the opportunity presented itself and I was on my way.

I’m still going through all the lessons leaned but there are definitely some highlights. Getting to the location is no easy feat. I flew into a large airport nearby and was told that someone would meet me for the drive out. How would they find me? How would I find them? I realized that I needed to dress the part so that I could be found. My answer: rainbow socks. So here I am wearing shorts, boots and rainbow socks – I could now be found if someone was looking!

The funny thing about the clothes is that I noticed absolutely no attention in San Francisco waiting for my plane to leave. Yet, when I had to change planes later that day I noticed everyone staring at me! I wasn’t that outrageously dressed. Actually, for SF it was fairly tame; yet, the stares were palpable while changing planes.

In any case, I was found at my destination and was soon on my way to whatever adventure awaited me. Lesson one – dress to be seen!

Continuing with the clothes theme, I’m not really into classic drag. Yes, I’ve put on a dress and I look really silly – and not in a good, comedic way! I always avoided drag because I felt that it just wasn’t for me. The Faeries taught me that drag is important and can be anything I want it to be. I found costuming that reflected my masculinity and my creativity. Drag isn’t simply putting on a dress; rather, it’s using wardrobe to reflect my personality. When I’m in drag that fits me my inner energy comes across much easier. Lesson two – clothes reflect who I am so pay much more attention to what I’m wearing.

I like a plan and I like to know what to expect. Yes, I teach the importance of letting go, but actually I like a well-defined sequence. The Faeries taught me to trust myself and trust that what I need will be provided to me. Keep in mind that what I may need in any given moment isn’t the same as what I think I need.

My sexual energy was somewhat off during the event. My senses were overwhelmed and I was aware of a strong disconnect between what my head wanted and what my body wanted. I kept saying to myself ‘everyone’s having sex but me!’ Poor me! I was basking in my pity – ugh!

One evening after a fun day hanging out with a bunch of new friends, I was dipping into an emotional trough. I was getting quiet and wanted some slow-down, cuddle time with someone. Sometimes after intense experiences I know I need touch time. Yet my friends were on a high and wanting more action and movement. I wanted something different.

I stepped outside and sat down by myself for a minute or two and someone came by and sat next to me and started chatting. I opened up to him and told him that I needed some cuddle time and some nice touch. We spent the evening touching, caressing and cuddling. It was exactly what I needed! Lesson three – ask for what I want.

As we were cuddling on the front porch I heard someone else walk by lamenting out loud ‘everyone’s having sex but me,’ I couldn’t help but chuckle! Lesson four – let go and trust the universe; it will provide what I need.

The return trip home was the final lesson from the Faeries. I was told to be ready for a ride to the airport at 10:30. After 10 days, time was becoming a somewhat nebulous experience, but I managed to pay attention enough to be ready to go at the designated time. I waited. I waited some more. No one showed up. After what seemed like an eternity, the driver showed up and we were on our way. Then he got lost. Then he got lost again. I was noticing the time and was beginning to wonder if I was going to make my flight. Finally we found our way onto the freeway towards the airport. Talking away in the car he drove right by the airport exit! My flight was to leave in 45 minutes! Oh no – I had bags to check. I told myself that there’s no way I would be on that plane. Breathe! Yes, I’m really breathing now!

Eventually we make it to the airport and I get checked in and my bags seem to be OK to get on the flight. I go to security and the line is extending out into the lobby. The flight is boarding and leaves in 25 minutes! Of course I pick the slowest security line and everyone else seems to be moving much faster than me. (Note the variation on ‘everyone’s having sex but me’ – ‘everyone’s moving but me!’) I finally get through security – no time to put my boots back on or even my belt. I’m running through the airport carrying my boots and belt. I get to the gate, put my boots and belt on and I’m the last one one the plane. Lesson five – let go and breathe; things will unfold as needed.

There were many more lessons during those 10 days. And I gave some lessons to others. I was asked to give a workshop and many guys came up to me and commented on how much they learned what what I talked about. I let go of having to give the perfect workshop and simply shared what was present. I felt confident among a group of people I didn’t know – yea! Lesson six – stay present. I recall some wonderful connections during the week sharing from our hearts. I loved listening and also being heard.

All in all it was a great experience; I’ll definitely be back!

Continuous Orgasm

Posted by ed on February 12, 2013
Posted in conscious sexuality  | Tagged With: , , , | 2 Comments

Magic happens when I least expect it.

I’ve had many anal orgasms before. An anal orgasm is more whole body focused than a traditional penis focused orgasm. I feel it as waves of pleasure that go up and down my entire body. Sometimes there’s a bit of an ejaculation and at other time my cock just doesn’t get involved at all.

I recently had an experience of an anal orgasm that lasted and lasted. It seemed like it went on  for minutes! I was bottoming getting fisted and the person I was with was exquisitely connected to me both physically and spiritually. I began to feel those familiar waves of pleasure and they just kept coming.

Most of my brain just shut off and I relaxed into the experience. I was fully conscious of what was going on. Actually I remember reminding myself to keep my vocalizations under control. I was at someone’s home and I didn’t want to disturb his neighbors. I was aware that the energy I was creating was also impacting the room; I felt safe and cared for by the others in the space as I continued my experience.

I recently ran across a post on The Dirty Normal talking about extended orgasms: “Orgasm is the explosive release of sexual tension, often typified by the rhythmic contraction of the pelvic floor muscle. An extended orgasm is not an hour’s worth of contractions; instead, it’s… it’s like every cell in your body is vibrating at the same wavelength. It’s like you’re a bell that’s ringing. It’s a whole body orgasm rather than a genital orgasm.” While I inferred that this post was focused on women’s experiences, much of this applied to men too.

Once it was over, I just let go and enjoyed a few moments of peace and connection. Again, just when you think you’ve experienced all that erotic pleasure has to offer, you get a new, unexpected, experience!

Orgasm is the explosive release of sexual tension, often typified by the rhythmic contraction of the pelvic floor muscle. An extended orgasm is not an hour’s worth of contractions; instead, it’s… it’s like every cell in your body is vibrating at the same wavelength. It’s like you’re a bell that’s ringing. It’s a whole body orgasm rather than a genital orgasm.

I haven’t been monogamous in decades. I tried it and realized that monogamy doesn’t work for me. I find that sex with multiple people opens my horizons and provides me with more diverse sexual experiences and more opportunities for sexual exploration that I would get by restricting my encounters to only one person.

I’m very experienced at non-monogamy. What I’m learning is that I’m not so experienced with polyamory. Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory, is “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.”

I’m really paying attention to the word relationship in the phrase intimate relationship. An open relationship is relatively easy. It’s just about sex – there’s no emotional involvement. You get together, have a great time, and then you’re off on your way. As they say “no strings attached.”

I’ve found that I need the strings to be attached. NSA is great and fulfills a physiological desire, but NSA does nothing for the emotional desire.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is a relationship. In fact, it’s several relationships. I”m finding this challenging because I have much to learn about managing relationships with two people: scheduling, balance, communication – it is a lot of work. It’s also very rewarding.

I’ve been learning much – many times by my own mistakes. I read The Ethical Slut – probably the best book on relationships and polyamory around. I’ve been spending time on polyamory.com recently where I found this most wise piece of wisdom:

In my experience, trying to please everyone does not get better results. It gets an exhausted me, and a whole bunch of people who are unsatisfied that I didn’t try hard enough. So rather, in each situation, I pick who I’m going to satisfy. Then I satisfy them to the best of my ability. I satiate the others by telling them that there will be another situation where it will be them who I satisfy. Sure, if possible, I’ll satisfy as many people as possible. But sometimes that’s just impossible. You can’t be in three places at once. So pick one place, and be fully present there.

I can’t take responsibility for pleasing everyone in my relationships at all times. I’ve tried – and failed miserably. I have to come back to practices that are integral to my life: grounding and presence. Most of all – presence; if I’m grounded I can be present. I can’t control many aspects of these relationships nor can I control what the others in my life will feel. I can, however, absolutely be present.

What’s Normal?

Posted by ed on September 19, 2012
Posted in conscious sexuality  | Tagged With: , , , | 3 Comments

In a text I used the phrase ‘back to normal’ and got a reply of ‘Normal? What’s that? It’s been so long.’ That got me pondering what really is normal.

When it comes to sex, intimacy and connection normal is a loaded term; it essentially means how others want us to behave. That’s not authentic; instead that’s living my life for someone else’s sake. What is my authentic sexual self? Hmmm, I haven’t really thought of that much before. I should though. We’re encouraged to be aware of our authentic self in all other aspects of life – why not be aware of our authentic sexual self.

I think I avoided this topic because I was scared. Coming from my sheltered Mid-western background, I didn’t want to be labelled as a freak. Yes looking back, I knew as early as high school that I had very a different perspective on sex than most others. Sex was a powerful force that not only felt good, but I also knew that pleasure could lead to something much more profound.

Of course, this sometimes got me into trouble. I realized that I was the outsider. Others saw sex as pleasure. I saw it as pleasure but with limitless possibilities for new experiences. I didn’t want the label of freak, but I really did look at pleasure in a very different way. I tried to bury my head and pretend that I was something other than my authentic sexual self. Burying my head wasn’t sustainable.

One of my teachers, Joseph Kramer, uses the term ‘erotically gifted.’ I’ve really come to appreciate this term; I think it fits perfectly. Being erotically gifted is more than a high sex drive; it’s a deep and profound dedication to experiencing and sharing pleasure. It’s the ability to connect with almost anyone on a deep, personal and profound level. It’s consciously and temporarily setting my desires aside so that I can be with another’s erotic energy for the sole purpose of helping him with an experience. It’s letting go of the fear and diving deep into pleasure for the sake of pleasure. It’s taking emotional risks to really get to know myself and my relation with the divine.

Unfortunately our culture doesn’t know what to do with the erotically gifted. We don’t think that pleasure is that important. I do. It’s as important as politics, the environment or most anything else going on in the world. When we’re sexually fulfilled, we’re at peace, we can relate to others on a more authentic level. The world could be a better place if more of us were sexually fulfilled.

Yet, these are the gifts of the erotically gifted. I’m learning how to change the label I apply to myself from freak to shaman.

Actually, normal is pretty boring!

Fear and Control

Posted by ed on April 21, 2012
Posted in our body  | Tagged With: , | No Comments yet, please leave one

We live in a culture dripping with fear. During Kinky Camp several of the men requested that their names not be public during the event. While I understand and respect their need for discretion, I was struck by the fact that they actually need this discretion.

It is absolutely ridiculous that in 2012 someone’s job could be in jeopardy because they choose or are even curious about a perfectly legal and consensual activity. Culturally, we’re afraid of sex.

At the airport on the way home there were many ‘God Bless the Troops’ signs. These signs were somewhat in my face – not because of the message – rather, it was a reminder of the constant and low level of war that had become the background noise of our culture.

We’ve made war more or less socially acceptable and a constant. I’m reminded of the original Star Trek episode A Taste of Armageddon (yes, I’m a trekkie) where two planets were fighting a war by computer for over 500 years. Since there wasn’t real destruction and real pain, the war just kept on going – there was no incentive to stop it. I’m concerned that we’ve entered into a not too dissimilar view toward war. For most of us, it’s just the background noise of life that adds a layer of fear to everything we do. Makes me want to go to the God Bless the Troops sale at Walmart and buy USA underwear.

Speaking of airports… The entire security process is designed to add to our fear. Of course, air travel should be safe. Unfortunately the security screening process seems more like a show than actual security. There’s lots of extra process and we feel exposed and vulnerable (ok, sometimes exposed and not vulnerable) while holding our arms up and getting scanned under our clothes, yet the risk reduction really isn’t that great given the extra invasion of privacy. But it’s a great show to remind everyone how fearful we should be! The primary security enhancement since 9/11 isn’t the TSA or all the extra security screening; instead, the real enhancement is the difficulty in accessing the cockpit of a plane – that’s the real control!

So then we get to Chicago for a 2 hour wait to change planes. As we’re strolling about the airport the pleasant, yet stern voice comes on the terminal speakers reminding everyone that germs are everywhere and that we should wash our hands to protect ourselves from those nasty germs. Do I really need a loud PA reminder to wash my hands? Oh yea, germs are gonna kill me too. Sorry, I forgot to be afraid of something that humans have lived with since the dawn of time. Quick get me to the soap, water and sanitizer – stat!

Whatever happened to common sense?

Vulnerability and Authenticity

Posted by ed on April 16, 2012
Posted in Gay life  | Tagged With: | No Comments yet, please leave one

I am constantly reminded of the power and the challenges of being vulnerable. I’m finding that vulnerability is actually a place from which to create very powerful and memorable connections.

I’m currently wrapping up a long weekend of kink instruction at Kinky Camp, A part of the weekend was a workshop on anal pleasure. I covered many aspects of anal pleasure from very light external touch through and including fisting.

I believe that there are many misconceptions about fisting. Of course fisting isn’t for everyone; however, in porn it’s often depicted as an aggressive and domineering activity. Although it can be that way, it’s also a way for two people to share a close and very intimate connection.

Since many of the people coming to Kinky Camp were novices, and even fewer had any experience with fisting, Scratch and I decided to include a demonstration with my talk.

As I was preparing for the demo the voices in my head became quite loud. Here I was about to have my butt on display for about 30 men. What would happen if I wasn’t ready? What if I wasn’t clean? What if my butt was tight and I couldn’t take Scratch’s hand?

As we started, I found that the connection I had with Scratch enabled me to overcome the noise in my head. The connection and the trust helped me feel in my body that everything would be OK.

Not only did this trust help me, it also helped the men witnessing, many of whom commented that they had never seen fisting before. Given the intensity of what was happening, the energy of the room was very calm and peaceful.

After the demo was complete and we reengaged with the room, I shared the feelings that were going on for me with the men in the room I found that sharing my insecurities and doubts was able to engage some of the men witnessing to share their feelings about the experience too.

Many of the men commented that the demo was very informative and was an important part of the weekend. All in all, a very valuable reminder of the payback in being vulnerable and authentic.