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Sacred Touch for Men Relax your body. Reclaim your pleasure. Find your passion.

Faerie Wisdom

Posted by ed on May 6, 2013
Posted in connectionGay life  | Tagged With: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Beltane-poleI just returned from 10 days with the Radical Faeries celebrating Beltane.

This was my first Beltane celebration and my first extended experience with the Faeries. The entire experience unfolded rather quickly. I wasn’t planning on going until, almost at the last minute, the opportunity presented itself and I was on my way.

I’m still going through all the lessons leaned but there are definitely some highlights. Getting to the location is no easy feat. I flew into a large airport nearby and was told that someone would meet me for the drive out. How would they find me? How would I find them? I realized that I needed to dress the part so that I could be found. My answer: rainbow socks. So here I am wearing shorts, boots and rainbow socks – I could now be found if someone was looking!

The funny thing about the clothes is that I noticed absolutely no attention in San Francisco waiting for my plane to leave. Yet, when I had to change planes later that day I noticed everyone staring at me! I wasn’t that outrageously dressed. Actually, for SF it was fairly tame; yet, the stares were palpable while changing planes.

In any case, I was found at my destination and was soon on my way to whatever adventure awaited me. Lesson one – dress to be seen!

Continuing with the clothes theme, I’m not really into classic drag. Yes, I’ve put on a dress and I look really silly – and not in a good, comedic way! I always avoided drag because I felt that it just wasn’t for me. The Faeries taught me that drag is important and can be anything I want it to be. I found costuming that reflected my masculinity and my creativity. Drag isn’t simply putting on a dress; rather, it’s using wardrobe to reflect my personality. When I’m in drag that fits me my inner energy comes across much easier. Lesson two – clothes reflect who I am so pay much more attention to what I’m wearing.

I like a plan and I like to know what to expect. Yes, I teach the importance of letting go, but actually I like a well-defined sequence. The Faeries taught me to trust myself and trust that what I need will be provided to me. Keep in mind that what I may need in any given moment isn’t the same as what I think I need.

My sexual energy was somewhat off during the event. My senses were overwhelmed and I was aware of a strong disconnect between what my head wanted and what my body wanted. I kept saying to myself ‘everyone’s having sex but me!’ Poor me! I was basking in my pity – ugh!

One evening after a fun day hanging out with a bunch of new friends, I was dipping into an emotional trough. I was getting quiet and wanted some slow-down, cuddle time with someone. Sometimes after intense experiences I know I need touch time. Yet my friends were on a high and wanting more action and movement. I wanted something different.

I stepped outside and sat down by myself for a minute or two and someone came by and sat next to me and started chatting. I opened up to him and told him that I needed some cuddle time and some nice touch. We spent the evening touching, caressing and cuddling. It was exactly what I needed! Lesson three – ask for what I want.

As we were cuddling on the front porch I heard someone else walk by lamenting out loud ‘everyone’s having sex but me,’ I couldn’t help but chuckle! Lesson four – let go and trust the universe; it will provide what I need.

The return trip home was the final lesson from the Faeries. I was told to be ready for a ride to the airport at 10:30. After 10 days, time was becoming a somewhat nebulous experience, but I managed to pay attention enough to be ready to go at the designated time. I waited. I waited some more. No one showed up. After what seemed like an eternity, the driver showed up and we were on our way. Then he got lost. Then he got lost again. I was noticing the time and was beginning to wonder if I was going to make my flight. Finally we found our way onto the freeway towards the airport. Talking away in the car he drove right by the airport exit! My flight was to leave in 45 minutes! Oh no – I had bags to check. I told myself that there’s no way I would be on that plane. Breathe! Yes, I’m really breathing now!

Eventually we make it to the airport and I get checked in and my bags seem to be OK to get on the flight. I go to security and the line is extending out into the lobby. The flight is boarding and leaves in 25 minutes! Of course I pick the slowest security line and everyone else seems to be moving much faster than me. (Note the variation on ‘everyone’s having sex but me’ – ‘everyone’s moving but me!’) I finally get through security – no time to put my boots back on or even my belt. I’m running through the airport carrying my boots and belt. I get to the gate, put my boots and belt on and I’m the last one one the plane. Lesson five – let go and breathe; things will unfold as needed.

There were many more lessons during those 10 days. And I gave some lessons to others. I was asked to give a workshop and many guys came up to me and commented on how much they learned what what I talked about. I let go of having to give the perfect workshop and simply shared what was present. I felt confident among a group of people I didn’t know – yea! Lesson six – stay present. I recall some wonderful connections during the week sharing from our hearts. I loved listening and also being heard.

All in all it was a great experience; I’ll definitely be back!

I wrote this for men’s site that focuses, among other things, on our sexuality. I thought I’d share it here too…

Yes, I coach men on how to make masturbation a more satisfying experience. Wait a sec, isn’t this something that most men are pretty accomplished at?

Actually I believe that many of us need help and, yes, some adventuresome men will pay for advice in this area. No, this isn’t just an excuse for a circle jerk.

Most of us learned to masturbate when we were somewhere around 11 to 14 years old. Unfortunately, as adults most of us do it the same way as we learned way back then. The quickie version that most of us still practice may have been useful for us way back when, but often isn’t that satisfying as we age.

Think about it, the early adolescent experience is focused entirely on ejaculation (usually fast and often), not getting caught (quick and quiet) and removing any evidence as quickly as possible (quickly clean up with no time to savor.) We carry this same fervent focus as adults. No wonder I hear so many men complain that while masturbation is a way to have an ejaculation, it’s really not that satisfying. It’s because we’re still wanking the same way.

It’s time to look at masturbation as an adult. So, how do we do that?

Communicate. In some ways male masturbation is the last taboo. We joke about it all the time, but when was the last time you honestly talked about it? Or even consciously thought about how to make it better? Many guys continue the habit developed when we were younger to make masturbation a hidden, furtive experience. When we were younger we hid it from parents, in school we hid it from roommates and as adults we hide it from our partners. I don’t believe that it can truly become a pleasurable practice until we communicate with our partners about it.

Masturbation is a great way when we’re younger to learn about sexuality. Later, we enter into relationships and mistakenly believe that this part of our erotic life will suddenly go away to be replaced with partnered connection. The reality for many is that both continue to co-exist. Partnered sex and solo sex meet different and complimentary human needs. One of the most intimate ways of connecting with your partner is to talk about your solo activities. Talk with your partner about your practice and find ways to be more open about what you already do. Take your masturbation out of the bathroom!

Slow down. Now that you have some room to be more open about your practice don’t be in such a rush. Warm up your body by taking the first 15 or 20 minutes and involve your entire body except for your genitals. You wouldn’t start a workout without a warm-up; erotic practice is no different. Use this time to check in with your body and discover what your body really wants. Practice quieting your mind and listen to your body. Become aware of the dissonance between what your head wants and you’re your body wants. Maybe you don’t need the usual fast and furious stroking; slow and sensual can be a nice change of pace.

Try out different strokes. Even using your other hand can offer a very different experience. When we slow down we begin to notice new and subtle sensations that are often overlooked when things are going so fast. Oh, and since you already talked with your partner, you can take your time!

Savor. Most guys use our sense of vision much more than the other senses. Close your eyes. If you’re adventurous put on a blindfold. Discover what there is to experience from the other senses. Let go of goals and bring your attention to the pleasures of the journey. By slowing down, those subtle sensations that signal an approaching orgasm become much more apparent.

I suggest looking at erotic pleasure on a scale from one to 10; one is hardly feeling anything and 10 is orgasm. Look at the subtle differences between a six and a seven. When approaching an eight, try to practice coming back down to a seven. When in the nine to 10 range, slow down even more and feel what there is to savor.

Turn off the porn. Porn can be a spark to get things started, but it quickly becomes distracting. Porn is nothing more than manufactured erotic fantasy. It takes us away from the experience. It’s all too easy to lose sensation in the body because we’re fixated on what’s on the screen. But many guys will say, “Without porn it’s boring.” When you close your eyes and bring your attention inward to savor the experience many men quickly that porn isn’t needed. If some external stimulation is important, consider aural stimulation. The sound of other people can be very exciting to hear and doesn’t remove us from our own experience.

Make it a practice. A workout regimen is a practice. Yoga is a practice. Masturbation can be a practice too. Keep striving to learn new things about yourself. Tell your partner what you’re learning and incorporate those learnings onto your lovemaking. Make masturbation a conscious choice. Set aside time to savor the gift of your body rather than looking at it the way we did when we were younger.

A practice involves conscious choices. Begin with scheduling. Find time when you aren’t rushed and can clear that task list in your head. When we’re focused on what we have to do next, it’s hard to let go and surrender to the pleasure. A great gift of sex is that it can be a mind wash to help us put all parts of life into perspective. Use this gift with intention.

Be conscious around ejaculation. Ejaculation when the body doesn’t need it is draining; ejaculation when the body does want it is life-affirming. I believe that there are times when we need to ejaculate and there are times when we don’t. Learn how to differentiate the two. Listen to your body; sometimes the message is quite loud. Follow what you body needs rather than the habits we’ve developed.

Try out some of these ideas and see what it’s like to move an important part of our erotic life to more accurately reflect our adult desires. It’s time to grow up.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more insane. I usually don’t get too political here, but I can’t can’t stay silent any longer about the craziness coming from the Republicans. Over the last several weeks we’ve seen these wonderful ideas coming from the GOP regarding our sexual freedoms:

  • The “Blunt amendment” was a failed attempt by Republicans to allow firms with moral objections to opt out of providing healthcare covering birth control. Imagine that, your employer could pick and choose what medical conditions they choose to cover and which ones they don’t cover. I can just see the list of morally objectionable medical conditions!
  • The state senate in Virginia has passed a law requiring a woman to have an ultrasound before having an abortion. Originally the law had also mandated a vaginal probe aimed at detecting a heartbeat in the fetus. Let’s do unnecessary and invasive procedures to ‘counsel’ a woman on what to do with HER body!
  • In Utah politicians have passed a local law that bans sex education that mentions homosexuality, birth control techniques and any discussion of sex outside marriage. Instead schools will be required to give sex education on the grounds of “abstinence only” or they can not mention the subject at all. We all know how well abstinence only sex education works. Oh, and when that young gay kid has the courage and trust to ask a teacher about his or her sexuality, the state of Utah restricts the teacher from saying anything!

The list goes on and on!

Almost every day I get a question from adult men about sexuality. These men are asking intimate and important questions because no one ever gave us accurate answers. Our culture is afraid of sex.

For my small part, I’ve recommitted myself to the importance of erotic education. Accurate, safe, age appropriate information is a fundamental right. If the Republicans have their way we’ll be mindless drones. I will not be assimilated!

My First Intuitive Reading

Posted by ed on August 14, 2011
Posted in Gay life  | Tagged With: , | No Comments yet, please leave one

While at Easton Mountain recently, I had the opportunity to receive an intuitive reading. Several of the men there suggested that I speak with one of the other men in attendance who is gifted with intuition. To be honest, my first reaction was not entirely positive – OK, I thought is would be a joke. I have this constant desire to know why and since I couldn’t answer the why question I discounted the entire thing. (More on the why part later!)

Yet, something in me decided to seek this man out. We had the opportunity for a short interaction. This time was very insightful for me and what he was saying resonated quite a bit with me. Unfortunately I didn’t have much time and we had to cut our time short; however, I realized that I needed to seek this man out for more time when schedules allowed.

An intuitive reading provides great information about who we are as a spirit and our path in this lifetime. It united the experience in this lifetime with our experience in our soul. It can help with blocks in our lives.  With clarity, we can change your challenges into opportunities and live life to its fullest. When we have validation for who our soul is and what we are creating and learning in our life, healing and progress naturally occur.

When we had time to chat more he held my hand and told me much that was specific and definitely resonated. He graciously donated his skills and time – which told me that this was genuine. He told me that I was an Indigo Adult and so many of the qualities he mentioned resonated with me. I was especially surprised because I really didn’t share that much about myself with him before we began the reading.

I’ve been reading a lot about Indigo Adults. While not every quality I read about resonated, most of them do. The following are typical characteristics of the Indigo children, teens or adult Indigos (from metagifted.org) with my comments about how this information resonated with me:

Indigo Adult Attribute What I’ve Noticed About Myself
highly intuitive – can be telepathic and show extrasensory capabilities I spend much of my life ignoring this, but lately I’m feeling called to focus more on intuition and it feels right to me. I like the balance of perception and intuition.
will often say seemingly ‘profound’ statements and has an strong interest in God – they often seem wise beyond their years I ignored God and religion for many years as I found conflict between religion and being gay. Recently much more open to God.
has an affinity towards angels, ‘invisible friends’ such as fairies, gnomes, and lots and lots of colour in every aspect of life Ever since an event when I was in my early 20′s, I’ve felt the presence of a protector.
very sensitive to the environment, (can include food & additives), energy fields, electrical currents, as well as emotional sensitivity to what is happening around them not really
strong willed – have a determination about them, often ‘warrior-like’ in their personality Oh yes! Sometimes to a detriment.
will often ‘call them as they seem them’ and won’t hold back from doing so Yep!
can have a fiery temper and demeanor – rarely wavers from the onetrack mind Yes, and I’ve spent the last decade trying to integrate my fire and my heart.
can often be confused with having a defiant attitude – will often do the exact opposite of what they are told to do I’m very much a rebel – don’t tell me what to do! If you do odds are I won’t do it out of spite.
strong need to help others, individually or globally Yes.
often introverted and a loner Very much yes! I’m a happy introvert.
likes to work alone most of the time or in groups where is there is mutual cooperation and respect Yes, the primary reason I left the corporate world was because I hated the politics. I like things direct and don’t do well with political intrigue.
seemingly antisocial until they meet up with others like them Yes, I have a few very close friends. I find it difficult to bond, but when I do it’s for real.
can come into the world with a feeling of being ‘royal’ and often behave like it  I never felt that I was special.
usually possess a good sense of humour Sometimes, but my humor is often dry.
highly artistic and creative with a bountiful imagination I have a strong imagination that is tilted toward science fiction.
is usually gifted in one or more areas ie. art, music, math, etc. I’ve always felt that I know a lot about many different areas. Sometimes I feel that I’m a jack of all trades and master of none.
very technologically oriented – usually are whizzes at computers or other gadgetry Yes, I’m a geek and proud of it. I love my life of bodywork and coding and I don’t know anyone else doing this combination!
easily frustrated especially when asked or told to something seemingly without reason or purpose ie. ‘because I said so’ does not work Yes, I have to know why. Nothing stops me like ‘because that’s the way we’ve always done it.’
does not respond to any guilt or shame-filled situations Just look at this site!
is a non-confirmist, ‘bucks the system’, and rebels against structure and authority ie. very often they come up with innovative or different ways of seeing solutions to problem or looking at a situation I don’t feel that I came into my own until I built my own box. I wasn’t comfortable in someone else’s box.
is very comfortable being around plants, nature, animals, and the outdoors Yes to all.
is very intolerant of situations that does not allow for their free will or choice to shine through ie. decisions made for them are usually unacceptable I have a strong reaction when someone else makes a decision for me – even trivial decisions. I rarely see things as black and white – most everything are shades of gray.
can be very self-reliant Yes, sometimes to a detriment.
deals often with depression, insomnia, or bodily issues such as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and in extreme cases – energetic mania or freneticness Not really – never experienced depression. I can get into a funk sometimes, but that’s just part of life.
can be misdiagnosed as ADD or ADHD Not severe, but I am easily distracted by shiny objects. Remember… jack of all trades, master of none!
because of the level of frenetic energy around them, often they are great multi-taskers, accomplishing many things within short period of time, and having many projects on the go at once; but not necessarily following through with all of them I often feel that there isn’t enough time to learn what I want to learn in a day.
they do not have a problem in stating what they need As an adult this hasn’t been an issue. This was a big issue when I was younger.
very often feel misunderstood – social settings in school are often an extremely challenging time I’ve always been the misfit.
has no patience and very intolerant of abuse – human, animal, environmental Yes, the world is unfair and I can’t stand that.
is intolerant of deceitful behaviour – has the ability to ‘see’ through illusions ie. nobody can pull the ‘wool over their eyes’, can tell when someone is lying or dishonest, or when someone is saying one thing and does another Another reason I left the corporate world.

Listening To Your Body

Posted by ed on June 6, 2010
Posted in our body  | Tagged With: , | 1 Comment

I see a common theme in many men that shows up as a gap between what our head wants and what our body wants. Usually this comes up around sexual activity – our head wants to be strongly sexual yet our body isn’t quite there. More often than not, we drag our body along and the experience is often less than satisfactory.

Often this behavior is due to fear around aging – we become concerned because our erotic energy isn’t what it used to be and we think we have to force it. Erotic energy comes in cycles – sometimes we feel it strongly and other times it’s just not that strong. I think the problem is because many of us experienced a time in our life (teens and 20′s) when this energy was very strong. We have a hard time believing that it’s OK to have less than 100%.

I invite us to listen to where our energy is and honor ourselves where we are. For example, spend 3 to 5 minutes breathing and meditating. Ask yourself how would you rate your erotic energy on a scale of 1 to 10. Be honest! If you’re aware that you’re a 3 then be a 3. If you’re aware that you’re a 3 but feel you should be a 10 just note the gap. There’s no need to do anything about it.

Then engage in activity (or not) based on where you really are. That activity may be asking your partner just to be held. It may be a nice, slow massage. A wonderful erotic activity for when your energy isn’t that high is a slow genital massage. Ask the person giving you the massage to let you be soft – you don’t need an erection for this. You’ll be amazed how pleasurable it can be!

On the other hand, if you’re a 10 then fully be a 10. Get moving! Get sweaty! Make noise and enjoy the feeling. If your partner isn’t at a 10 with you then give yourself permission to have an encounter with yourself. A quick wank probably won’t do; give yourself full permission to experience erotic energy as a 10.

As you gain practice listening to your body you’ll begin to notice the cycles of erotic energy. That noise in your head wondering why your energy is low will begin to fade because you’ll know that it’s all part of the natural cycle.