Posted by ed on December 28, 2011
Posted in Gay life | Tagged With: connection, daddy, family, love |
I’m wrapping up a stay with my family over the holidays. While spending time with my family I’m also in regular contact with my partner and my boy. I’m struck with the disparity between how I’m interacting with my family and how I’m interacting with those I’ve chosen to be in my tribe.
Most queer men were not raised to be ourselves. I know I wasn’t. I was taught to do and to feel what was expected. I learned that what my family or community thought was right was somehow more important than what was right for me. I learned that appearance was more important than substance. I lived much of my childhood and young adulthood being seen and not heard.
As children we take in so many lessons that we don’t even realize we’re learning. As adults, the only way we can unlearn those lessons is by challenging them. Challenging isn’t the same as rebelling. I’ve been a rebel most of my life, but rebels don’t have goals. Challenging the status quo is about claiming what I want and making that real.
One of the ways for me to challenge my family is to create intentional family. The phrase intentional family is very powerful for me. It allows me the freedom to create a family of supporting. loving people who encourage and help me to become the best me I can possibly be rather than some quality that doesn’t fit who I am.
I feel fortunate in that I’ve been able to create intentional family for myself. Chuck has been in my life for several years. We first met when he came to me for a massage. Over the years, we’ve developed a close, familiar relationship. It’s funny but with all I’ve been focused on recently about David, Chuck is like a father to me even though we don’t have a formal Daddy/boy relationship. Nevertheless, Chuck has been that father figure to me. He’s helped me clarify what I’m looking for from my life. He’s invited me to a regular men’s group where we share what’s going on for us. I can count on Chuck for love and support – not to mention a good fuck too! He’s definitely part of my intentional family.
Life can be difficult, part of the challenge of life is to recover from obstacles that get thrown in our path. To me a key quality of successful people is that they find a way to get back up when life knocks them down. A supportive family can be a great ally that helps us get back up. A supportive family doesn’t judge; rather, they encourage us to stretch and grow and learn more. They encourage us to be bold and audacious in our wants and desires. They help us on the path to turn these audacious goals into our realities!
Posted by ed on December 24, 2011
Posted in masculinity | Tagged With: boy, connection, daddy, erotic living, masculinity |
Masculinity is so hard to define. Yet, when I experience it or see it the feeling is so palpable. Perhaps it’s a reflection of my own issues with my dad, but the Daddy/boy relationship has had a particular strong draw on me. The intensity of a strong, protective daddy coupled with an adoring boy combines all that is magic about masculinity, love and power.
Wonderful surprises happen when you least expect them. I met Scratch at a Black Leather Wings party. The connection I immediately felt was palpable. He asked me about developing a Daddy/boy relationship. Of course, I agreed! he is an amazing boy!
Right after I agreed, I suddenly realized that I’ve never done this before. What if I didn’t do it right? What was a daddy supposed to do? How do I add a boy to my existing relationship? Oh shit! My self doubts came up. But I also knew that I had to put them aside. I’ve received so much healing at the hands of other daddies, I instinctively knew I needed to explore daddy too.
Scratch makes me smile. I have the opportunity to share my experiences with my boy. In many ways I get the privilege of being the daddy I wish I had biologically. I get to help him while at the same time, I push him to continue his own journey. We talk about his dreams. I offer suggestions and perspective. I support him. He also supports me. I’ve realized that it’s ok to confess when I don’t have the answers. We can figure them out together.
What more perfect arena is there to express masculine love than in a Daddy/boy relationship? Our physical intimacies are spiritual. We naturally transcend traditional top/bottom roles. Both of us easily switch roles. Daddy/boy is a mindstate – for us it really doesn’t have much to do with power dynamics. It’s an exchange of primal masculine energy that comes not only from our penises and assholes, but also comes from our hearts.
Posted by ed on December 22, 2011
Posted in masculinity | Tagged With: boy, daddy, floggging, masculinity, spanking |
I’m writing this sitting in an airport on my way to spend the holidays with my family. I’ve had a strained relationship with my dad. There are many things he did for me that I’m grateful for yet there are also many things he did that hurt tremendously. I was physically beaten as a child. I’ve always thought I would do things differently if I were a dad, until recently that opportunity hasn’t come my way (more that that development in a future post!)
Healing has been a long and continuing journey. Part of this healing has been exploring the healing power of daddy/boy relationships. To be honest my first thought of role playing relationships was that it was kind of silly. However, I soon had two life changing experiences that completely changed my perspective.
During a workshop I had the opportunity to experience a spanking session. This brought up many issues for me since I was spanked (often with implements) as a child with lasting and unpleasant memories. Although I was scared to participate, I wanted the full experience and opted in. I was pleasantly surprised at how tender and loving the man spanking me was. I shared my apprehensions with him. He was very aware of my emotions and helped guide my body through the experience. The most memorable part was the aftercare. He caressed me and told me how good of a boy I was. I started crying. Those were almost the exact words I needed to hear from my father but never heard. My heart was open and my body was alive!
Later I was able to receive a tender, loving and intense flogging. I had make up so much about BDSM play. I thought it was all about control and endurance. I thought it was about pain and suffering. However, my experience being spanked was beginning to change these preconceived feelings. I realized that I needed to try this out.
The pain was intense but not like I was expecting. What was quite surprising was that I literally felt my armor that was separating me from my emotion was beginning to melt away. I felt connected to my heart. I became aware of emotions rising in me that I had been suppressing for years. I screamed. I cried. I learned that my usual reaction to getting beaten – numbing out – doesn’t work. I learned how feel again. All from a flogging.
The tender loving aftercare also helped me learn how to transform pain into pleasure. Somehow the sensations changed and I learned how to take something that reminded me of a very painful past and change it into pleasure. Now that’s powerful!
After this experience I knew that I needed to learn how to forgive. I didn’t know how. (Actually, I’m still not sure that I know how, but I am learning how to peel away the layers.) I can’t change what happened to me in the past. However, I can change my perspective on what happened and how I live going forward.
Daddy/boy relationships have the potential to heal so much. I found that being told that I was a good boy was exactly the words I needed to hear. I’ve been blessed to have both a very special Daddy and an incredible boy in my life. There are many different forms of Daddy/boy relationships and I certainly don’t know all about them. However, I can share my experiences and how those experiences have helped me.