Header image alt text

Sacred Touch for Men

Relax your body. Reclaim your pleasure. Find your passion.

May 11

10

Being Ourselves Online

Posted by ed on May 10, 2011
Posted in connection  | Tagged With: , | 2 Comments

My Asspig ProfileThe recent newsletter about connection really seems to have struck a chord. I was thinking more about this and realized that many of us have online profiles. Some are for dating others are for hookups and others are just for friends. Many of us have also experienced meeting people online.

Yet how many of our online profiles are true reflections of who we are? Every time we pretend to be someone we’re not are we just furthering our own self doubt? Think about it – when we say we’re someone else isn’t that just saying “I don’t like who I am, so I’ll just pretend to be someone else.”

OK, full disclosure time. I only have one active online profile. It’s on Asspig - a hookup site for guys who like butt play. It may not be everyone’s thing but it’s mine. If you click on the thumbnail to the left you’ll see my entire profile. (It’s a jpg, so none of the links and features will work.) The profile is a pretty accurate description of me and what I’m looking for – at least what I’m looking for on Asspig!

I’ve spoken with many guys who have met people online and they clearly weren’t who they purported to be. In some cases, the difference was staggering! I fail to understand how someone who bends the truth to such an extent could ever meet someone. It’s like announcing at the beginning “I’m a liar and I hate who I am. Let’s go play!” I don’t think so!

Then many of these people who have stretched the truth wonder why they’re not meeting anyone and get bitter. I believe that if we just we true to who we are, we would increase our chances of meeting people we could genuinely connect with.

Use the text section to let people know what you like or what you’re looking for. Use photos that are flattering and also fairly recent. Give someone an idea of who you are now – not who you were 10 years ago. You may be surprised how many other people really want to meet the real you!

Sep 10

3

I’m Not My Type

Posted by ed on September 3, 2010
Posted in newsletters  | Tagged With: , | No Comments yet, please leave one

I’m Not My Type

So many of us go through life feeling that we’re undesirable. We look at ourselves in the mirror and conclude that no one could possibly find us attractive. I see this all the time when coaching men. While there are many factors that can contribute to this feeling, I believe that, for many of us who identify as gay or queer, it’s because we make the mistaken assumption that everyone is attracted to the same ‘type’ that we’re attracted to and we aren’t that type.

Every time we look at ourselves in the mirror we see someone who we’re not attracted to. We see a body type that is not our ideal. In many cases our body type is the opposite of what we’re attracted to. The little guy wants the big guy. The smooth guy wants the hairy guy. We don’t see how someone could be attracted to us because we’re not.

When we believe this we have a hard time letting in interest from others. When someone we find attractive expresses an interest in us we question how this other rational, attractive person could have any interest in us. We’re so focused on all our shortcomings that we assume everyone only sees those shortcomings too. Yet the reality is that no one is as hard on ourselves as we are. Maybe this other attractive person is attracted to you because you’re just their type!

I’ve seen this in myself. For many years, I went through life ashamed of my body. I always felt too big, too fat. I didn’t like the way my body looked. I was always attracted to thinner people and assumed that everyone was attracted to the same type and that I was undesirable. Later in life I realized that many people are attracted to larger men like me. I had friends tell me that people were checking me out and I was completely unaware of it because of my mistaken assumptions. It goes to prove that old adage that there’s someone for everyone.

Understanding that other people find us attractive – regardless of how we feel about ourselves is a step toward coming to terms with our bodies. For every person who thinks they’re too old there’s someone looking for an older person. For every person who thinks they’re too thin, there’s someone looking for thin people.

The difficulty begins when we start to compare ourselves to cultural norms without realizing that those cultural norms change over time. It’s not that long ago when the burly “Marlboro Man” type was all the rage. Now everyone is shaving everywhere! Tastes change and magic happens when we begin to see ourselves as worthy of desire along with everyone else!

Jun 10

30

Penis Size

Posted by ed on June 30, 2010
Posted in our body  | Tagged With: , | 3 Comments

Almost every man in our culture is concerned about the size of his penis.

I remember the scene vividly even though it was over 30 years ago. It way my first high school PE class. This was back in a time when we were FORCED to change before class and shower afterward. I remember PE because it’s where I (and I assume most men) learned about locker room behavior. I learned to secretly check out the other guys and compare their penises to mine. Every guy does it and we all hope we don’t get caught!

Every man, of any sexual orientation, checks out other naked men. Most of the time we’re looking for one thing and one thing only: how big is he compared to me? The thing many of us don’t realize is that this isn’t a fair comparison. When you’re looking at someone else you’re looking at a slight downward angle. When you’re looking at yourself you’re looking almost straight down. These aren’t the same angles; accordingly, you have a different perspective looking at yourself compared to looking at someone else. Keep that in mind the next time you sneak a look!

I’ve worked with men who have concerns about penis size. (No, not all of these men were concerned about their penis being too small – more on that later.) The thing to look at is does this part of your body give you pleasure. Does it feel good? Does it give your partner pleasure? In other words, rather than looking at the size of your penis, take a look at its function. Be happy that your penis makes you and your partner happy.

I’ve also worked with men who complain that their penis is too big. Many of these men find it difficult for others to see them as men; rather, their experience is that of a person attached to a large penis. Many of these men experience popularity but that popularity is only due to their penis – not to who these men are as people. One man recently told me, “I’d actually like for someone to see me and get to know me as a whole person – not just my penis.”

As long as we view our penis as separate from ourselves as men, we’ll continue to experience shame around this part of our body. When we look at this part of the body just like any other part of the body and see ourselves as an integrated, whole person the shame begins to go away.