Posted by ed on April 11, 2013
Posted in masculinity | Tagged With: beast, masculinity, spirit, totem |
I’ve been on a quest of identity over the last year or so. Until recently, I’ve never really given much thought to who I am. Sure, I’ve been working on self-awareness, or being aware of my patterns, makeup, gifts and shadow. But this never involved naming my identity or symbols of my identity.
I’m still haven’t received the message of a name – or something in addition to my given name that resonates with who I am. However, I have found that I feel a strong affinity toward deer.
I appreciate the strong masculinity coupled with a predominately non-violent way of being. Scent is an important way for me to communicate with my intimates. I like the stag’s way of marking his territory through leaving his scent.
Deer are very alert animals. I consider myself pretty alert and somewhat skittish in new environments – similar to the deer. Once I get to know a space I can be very comfortable, but that does take a bit of time for me.
I recently found a deer tail done by an artist in Oregon. After pondering the tail for a day or so, I realized that it would be the perfect symbol of my connection to deer. The tail arrived today. I spent time this evening engaging in a handshake with the tail. A friend recently told me of the term handshaking to signify an intentional process around getting acquainted with an energy. I strongly feel the need to begin my relationship with the deer tail with a handshake. This evening I simply felt the tail and had it rest on my heart for a bit. It felt right.
I’m looking forward to developing this relationship more!
Posted by ed on January 27, 2012
Posted in masculinity | Tagged With: beast, senses |
I’m clear that my Beast and I need to be integrated. It’s time to quit referring to him as a separate entity. In some ways I feel like a werewolf – torn between my animal urges and supposed human self control. Yet I also realize that being human is also accepting and integrating my animal urges.
How do I do this?
I decrease my reliance on vision. I have five senses. I need to learn how to use them all. Like most guys, I rely upon my vision more than the other senses in my erotic life. After my experience in being blindfolded at Mindful Self-Loving, I’m going to focus more on developing my other senses.
I quit using colognes and deodorant over 10 years ago. I found that making natural body smell no longer worked for me and that daily bathing was enough for social hygiene. The perfumes and chemicals we apply just get in the way. Natural body smells help return me to that primal space. There’s something about natural body smells that is also a big turn-on that ignites my Beast.
When playing with others, I’m somewhat mimicking my dogs. I’m smelling the person I’m with to get to know him. I’m learning how to use my intuition to gather information from scent. I’m also surprised that there much information to gather! I don’t need to analyse and ‘figure out’ what the scents mean. Relying upon my intuition seems to work quite well.
I’m expressing myself through sound much more. Sometimes the sounds are quiet purrs. Other times the sounds are loud moans. I’m not editing myself and just letting out whatever sound needs to come out. The response form others has been very encouraging! I’m getting many comments from those I play with that they too enjoy the sound I’m making. I used to think that others would be put off or even think that the noise is strange. I’m finding out that others like the sound too!
While making more sound I’m actually using fewer words. Language is a great tool useful in many situations. I’m finding in my erotic life that words can also get in the way. When I”m speaking I’m in my head. When I let go of the need for words, it’s easier to get out of my head. Of course, there are many times when words are needed – just not as often as I would have thought they were needed.
I’m expressing my wild side. I found myself playfully biting. More surprisingly, the person I was with responded by bringing his beast out to play too! I played with how some animals carry their children by biting on the back of the neck. As I was biting my playmate on the back of his neck I noticed that this really charged both of us. While biting I also notice my taste. I learn how to taste the other person’s skin. I find that I can pick up his beast through what I notice in my mouth as I’m biting. Definitely more play biting, scratching and general roughhousing!
Finally, I need a name to call my Beast. He is part of me. He provides my drive, ambition and determination. He is the horny part of me that wants to fuck a lot. He needs a name.
Posted by ed on January 23, 2012
Posted in conscious sexuality • Uncategorized | Tagged With: beast, erotic energy, shame |
I just Googled the term sexual beast and most of what was returned was related to rapists and other sexual predators. That’s a telling comment on our culture.
This post is about a very different type of sexual beast. This beast is the animal within; it is that part of us where the ordinary disappears and the extraordinary makes itself known. It is where the sexual energy unites with the heart energy allowing us to express ourselves in ways where words don’t really work very well.
I thought I knew my beast. I’m realizing that although I am familiar with much I also have more to get to know. I also now see that I keep my beast at a distance. Scratch recently told me that I often refer to my beast as if he is separate from myself. As soon as he told me that I knew he hit on something.
Why do I do this? What is it that scares me about that part of myself? Why do I find sex so incredibly hot yet also a bit scary at the same time? Is that old Catholic programming still more active than I want to admit?
Does age enter into this? Sure we all like to imagine good looking younger people enjoying sex, but what about those of us who get mail from AARP? Am I letting my own age bias effect my feelings? Most of us can easily imagine a young virile beast, what about an older beast? What does he look like?
I like letting my beast come play when I’m alone and I’m noticing that I hold back when I’m playing with others. Why? What is it about that part of me that I’m ashamed of? Is approval from others so important to me that I’m willing to sacrifice part of myself in the process? What’s keeping me from letting all parts of me come out to play?
Integrating our erotic lives into everything we do is so important to me. When erotic energies are segregated, we aren’t whole. Sex influences everything we do – even when we’re not being sexual. I use my sexual energies often in very non-sexual situations. There’s a huge difference between being aware of sexual energies and acting on those energies. Yet, I’m aware that I have an additional integration task to do. I need to integrate my beast into all parts of me.
The journey continues.
Posted by ed on January 16, 2012
Posted in masculinity | Tagged With: beast, masculinity, topping |
I’ve been exploring my inner top lately. My inner top is where I get to explore my masculine animal. While I definitely believe that I can also be a masculine sub, top space is where I get to play with my domineering, controlling self.
This head space hasn’t always been natural for me. I remember going back to junior high when other boys would beat me up for not being masculine enough. I didn’t even know what masculinity was back then; but I clearly didn’t have the usual outward signs of a comfortably masculine 12 year old.
Early on I learned that masculinity also meant violence. The only real role model I had early on was my father and his violent outbursts just made me want to run away from anything I thought was masculine. I’ve come to realize now that, for a time in my life, I was scared of masculinity.
As I explored subbing, I found that I could reclaim my masculinity. I learned how to transform the violence I experienced when younger into pleasure. The ability to transform is an incredible power! I learned how to claim my masculinity for myself – not as how I thought anyone else defined it for me.
I learned how to find my inner beast. My beast is all about my personal expression of masculinity. Sometimes, that expression is aggressive and primal. Other time it’s soft and cuddly. Connecting with the aggressive and primal part of my beast provides me with a path into my top energy. Top energy is aggressive and primal. It takes control; however, it takes control only when it is given control. For this reason the primal beast is also combined with my heart.
When I combine the beast with my heart magic happens. I let my wild side out to play and that play is not all about me. I get to dominate and control, but my heart is full of connection and love. That connection and love is what allows me to be aware of my partner’s energy. That awareness and presence helps me be the kind of top that he needs in the moment. That connection and love reminds me that this is all about play and keeping it fun is nurturing is important.
The alpha top that is consumed with domination at the expense of what the sub feels or wants scares the hell out of me. When topping turns into ‘I get everything I want regardless of what you want’ that, to me, borders on violence. I see way too much of this in the gay men’s world. To me, it reminds me of the classic boorish definition of masculinity.
Maybe it’s because my topping is a reflection of my subbing, but there are always limits. The job of my inner top is to understand and respect those limits while also stretching the sub into areas that he didn’t know he could experience. It really is all about connection and love.