|What is Sacred Intimacy?|
As a Sacred Intimate, I make myself available to you in whatever way both of us feel is appropriate. I am available to connect with you in a healing way that may or may not include erotic contact. The choice is ours to create together.
A Sacred Intimate combines the role of shaman, surrogate and counselor. Sacred Intimates are people who willingly include their erotic gifts along with their other skills to help people lead more fulfilling lives. We understand that our erotic lives are integrated with all other parts of ourselves and integrate sexuality into everything we do rather than hold it as something that should be separated.
|But What About Attachment?|
I've had several clients struggle with their feelings for me that develop over the course of sessions. I've struggled with the same feelings toward clients. How can we do this very intimate work together and not become aware of strong feelings?
Psychotherapy uses the term attachment to identify feelings between a client and a practitioner. In most professions attachment is something to be avoided. I embrace it.
The work we do together is very intimate and we each bring our hearts into the space. A connection may develop and that connection is real! There is, however, an important distinction - the environment is arranged. Not unlike the emotions we feel while watching a powerful film, those emotions are real - we really do feel them. The distinction is that we don't direct those emotions toward the actors in that film. Rather those emotions are actually brought up with in each of us.
Sacred Intimacy sessions are similar. The emotions that can be brought to the surface are real, but are a reflection of our own issues, our own joys, our own sorrows. They're not really about the interactions between us.
|Boundaries & Barriers|
Defining your personal boundaries is important and can sometimes be hard to do. I like to differentiate boundaries from barriers. Boundaries serve both of us during our time together. Boundaries are important to ensure a safe space from which to explore and learn. Barriers are fear, shame or culturally based obstacles to pleasure, love and connection. During our time together I will invite you to explore and perhaps transcend barriers while honoring your personal boundaries.
If someone asks you
how the perfect satisfaction
of all our sexual wanting will look,
lift your face and say,
Julaluddin Rumi 1207-1273
Are you happy with your erotic life? Have you experienced truly being in sexual bliss? Do you experience blocks or obstacles to erotic ecstasy? Do you experience shame or guilt after sexual experiences? Are you happy with your body? Do you feel stuck in repeating erotic patterns? What would you like to change?
These are some of the questions that a Sacred Intimate can help you address.
The path to erotic fulfillment begins within yourself. Before you can connect with another, you need to experience confidence in yourself and acceptance of your desires.
As we are growing up, we receive many lessons from parents, teachers, and other elders. Most of us were taught that sex is a vile, nasty, evil thing. We were taught that sex is only to be used to procreate. There are alternatives. Sexuality can be a glorious, spiritual expression. What is usually missing is training on erotic pleasure. Over time, blockages can occur. These blockages can interfere with complete erotic pleasure. Time with a Sacred Intimate can hep you to reclaim your birthright and a way to retrain your body, mind and spirit and begin removing the blocks that interfere with your own sexual pleasure and your intimate connections.
Areas we can work on include:
I bring three complimentary skills to this work. I have been trained by The Body Electric School as a Sacred Intimate- completing both the basic and advanced workshops. I am a Certified Sexological Bodyworker – certified by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and approved by the State of California Department of Post-Secondary Education. Sexological Bodyworkers are somatic (body based), erotic educators. I also completed the Co-Active Coaching Program at The Coaches Training Institute. I weave these three complimentary backgrounds together to help you get what you want out of your erotic life.
Sometimes we can feel that we’re stuck in a rut and the habits we’ve developed over the years no longer serve us. Together, we can explore what a truly fulfilling sex life would look like. From this exploration, we can begin to craft exercises and experiences to help you be more comfortable in exploring new opportunities.
Sometimes men are curious about a particular sexual activity and want more information. Many times we don’t know where to turn for accurate, non-judgmental information. These sessions can be an opportunity for you to get that information you’re looking for. Unlike traditional therapy, this work not only offers you a way to talk about sexual questions but also have an experience in your body to help lock in the feeling. That experience can be something simple and useful like learning to let go and receive nurturing sensual touch without having to reciprocate. In other cases, this may mean an experience of a specific activity. Often, it’s a combination of both.
For example, we can sometimes be concerned around difficulties in getting and maintaining an erection. I’ve worked with many men on erection issues. We usually begin with some discussion about what’s been going on in your life to identify any stress factors. I’ll also ask a bit about your medical history. I don’t diagnose any conditions, but recent changes in medication can impact our sexual life. Also, some medical conditions can cause erection difficulties so it’s important to speak with you medical provider. Once you’ve eliminated any medical or pharmacological issues, the concern is often around the mind noise about erections. It’s that endless loop that plays. “What if I don’t get hard?” Playing that noise itself interferes with the process. Sex coaching can help men learn to relax and be present to the sensation in our body. I’ve found that, for many men, when we’re able to relax and become present, our body does what comes naturally and erection just happens. Of course, relaxing and being present are easier said than done. Through sex coaching I can help you with this.
In addition to erection concerns, other common areas I’ve worked with include:
Sacred Intimate work can be particularly effective for men in recovery from substance abuse or men who are addressing compulsive or habitual sexual behaviors. The support systems in 12 step programs are wonderful for helping to stop the addiction and begin the path toward recovery. Unfortunately, I’ve found that 12 step programs do not address how to reclaim our sexuality while staying clean and sober.
This can be a challenge for some men because, in many cases, the addiction and sex are intertwined. The recovery programs do not address how to be sexual while in recovery. Usually the model mentioned is to avoid any triggering situation; for many men sex can be a trigger. There may be a period, especially early in recovery, when refraining from sex may be needed. However, after time in recovery, men are sometimes afraid of exploring their sexuality and feel deprived of enjoyable sexual experiences. I strongly believe that you can be both clean and sober and sexually fulfilled. I’ve worked with men to help them find a fulfilling and satisfying sexual life while staying clean and sober.
Some men who are survivors of sexual abuse have found this work helpful to learn how to have the fulfilling sexual life they want. Sometimes, male survivors have never been able to define their boundaries; we can not only can work together to define and practice setting boundaries, but I can also provide an experience seeing those boundaries honored and respected. We can create practice sessions that are focused on saying no and meaning it as well as comfortably saying yes. Once we’ve set boundaries, our sessions can help create that trust that is often missing.
Some male survivors experience sex as a performance and have little experience in saying what they want. I’ve worked with men to help clarify what they want and communicate their wishes. Sacred Intimate sessions can help male survivors really listen to their body to see what they want rather than having to perform.
I’ve also worked with men who are experiencing unfulfilled hyper-sexuality. Hyper-sexuality is sometimes due to a lack of consciousness or fulfillment around sex. It can be more about validation than fulfillment. This work can provide experiences in seeing yourself as a whole person and can help men learn to be present and conscious around their sexual lives.
The medical community has done wonders for men with prostate cancer or in need of prostate surgery. However, in many cases, the medical community doesn’t help survivors of prostate cancer learn how to be sexual again. It’s unfortunate, but many assume that survivors of prostate cancer won’t be sexual again.
I’ve worked with men to help reclaim their sexuality after prostate cancer. Yes, there are physiological issues that will change the way the body responds; however, it is possible to have a rich and joyous sexual life as a cancer survivor.
Many times couples fall into an erotic rut. The erotic energy that was very intense early in the relationship can wane as each person becomes more comfortable in the relationship. Often times, the couple is hesitant to talk about the issue because of fear.
Other times couples fall out of sync erotically – each of you may have very different erotic needs and desires. Yet, both of you are committed to the relationship and don’t want to explore erotic contact with others outside of the relationship.
I work with couples to rekindle the erotic energy. I can show you how to do erotic massage on each other and offer other activities to re-ignite that spark!
I work with straight, bi and gay male couples. I ask that both partners come to at least one session. Depending on the nature of the work, we may continue the work together or I may invite each of you to experience an individual session.
We start our sessions by talking about what you want. We’ll focus on your thoughts, feelings and experiences with your sexual expression. We’ll look at your values – what sexual fulfillment would look like for you. Then we’ll create an understanding of how we’ll work together. The way we work together may include talk, role play, or body based experiences to support you in achieving your erotic desires.
There are many sexuality teachers. Most of these teachers focus their efforts on the experiential aspect of sexuality. While experiential study can be helpful, these teachers aren’t versed in the science behind sexuality. I have studied sexuality from both the scientific and the experiential perspective. I bring both perspectives to the work. Also some teachers have their perspectives on sexuality and pleasure. They may bring predefined beliefs and opinions to the work. Sexuality is highly individualistic; I believe that it’s important to understand your boundaries, your choice and your comfort. At the same time, I will help you explore new understandings that fit in with your individual choices.
After almost every session I’ll invite you to do some homework on your own or with your partner. This homework is intended to reinforce what is covered during a session. We’ll talk about the assignments at our next session.
I invite you to contact me to find out more about this important work.