Think about it - calling someone a wanker is an insult. We're using a term referring to masturbation as a way to insult someone. Using this term is an example of internalized shame. Shame gets in the way of our enjoyment. One of the first areas that we'll explore is around shame. As you learn to accept your practice without shame you can transform your practice into a truly fulfilling experience.
Every man is capable of inducing erotic trance states without any drugs. Erotic trance is the state where you are so aware of your erotic energy that everything else fades away. The noisy mind is quiet and your only focus is on what you're feeling. I've found that mindful masturbation is an excellent way to access erotic trance.
Be sure to check out the video learning on Erotic Trance.
|Enhance Your Pleasure|
Many men don't move our bodies when we masturbate. Our body stays still while our arm and hand move. Moving your entire body in an erotic trance dance gets the energy going! Also, the fleshlight is an innovative toy that can take your self-pleasuring to new heights. I've worked with men to unlock a stiff or frozen pelvis. When we get the pelvis moving again the energy flows without resistance.
How did you learn to pleasure yourself? What do you feel about it?
If you’re like many men, you learned when you were much younger and haven’t really changed the way you pleasure yourself since that time.
Most of us look at masturbation as a way of relieving sexual tension. As a way of getting off. But it can be much more.
This most common and safest form of sex remains shrouded by taboo, ignorance and shame. These feelings can get in the way of being in pure erotic bliss.
Often, masturbation becomes a way of coping with uncontrolled emotions – including boredom. Many men find that masturbation becomes habitual. Often we focus on some outside stimulus like porn rather than on focusing on what we’re feeling in our body. Often men masturbate to quickly relieve tension. These men may find that masturbation becomes a daily habit rather than a truly pleasurable experience.
Many men also continue to feel guilt, shame or at least embarrassment about how much they enjoy masturbating. Therefore masturbation is kept hidden and practiced furtively. This usually prevents self pleasure from becoming a deeply rewarding and nourishing practice. In fact, most men get stuck in a repetitive and predictable habit – often learned at a young age – of merely relieving sexual tension. So much more is possible!
Masturbating mindfully – being fully present to your body and savoring every sensation opens the door to profound ecstatic states. Masturbating mindfully transforms self pleasuring from a quick way to get off into a fulfilling practice that has the potential to transform ourselves. Sexual intimacy is a way to express and experience your connection with another. Mindful masturbating is about expressing and experiencing a connection with someone you may not have connected with lately – yourself.
Masturbation coaching gives men the opportunity to learn enhanced self pleasuring skills and experience profound connection with ourselves.
If you’re curious about masturbation coaching, here’s your chance to hear about this work in my own words. Evan Roberts interviews people in San Francisco with unusual and interesting professions. He recently interviewed me and you can listen or download the program in mp3 format.
Masturbation coaching is intended to help us recognize and address blocks that prevent us from reaching new heights of ecstasy from self-pleasuring. Masturbation coaching transforms your masturbation from a quick wank into a fulfilling personal practice that can deepen your connection with yourself and with your spirit.
Just as I believe in a holistic life without compartmentalization, masturbation coaching isn’t just about masturbation. Sure, we’ll talk about technique, but we’ll also integrate with other important aspects of your life too. For example, a key component of mindful masturbation is being fully present to what’s going on. This focus on presence is not only helpful in masturbation, it’s helpful in many areas of life. Presence helps you pay full attention to what you are doing while pleasuring yourself. A practice in presence allows you to wake up your entire body to its full erotic potential. It allows you to focus on what is substantial rather than what is superficial. Presence can help you restore the natural connection between your genitals and your heart and your spirit. It helps you engage your entire body – not just your penis.
Many times the mention of the word masturbation brings up jokes or nervous laughter. Almost all of us do it, but no one talks or listens seriously about it. It’s time to change that! As your coach I listen to you and help you get clarity on what your want from your practice. Just being able to talk openly and honestly about this sensitive topic can be a transformative experience for many men. I won’t judge or criticize. I may challenge and push you toward your goals. But most of all I am your supporter.
How many of us have someone we can have this kind of relationship with when it comes to our erotic pleasure? There are many areas we can explore together. I begin each coaching relationship by talking with you to get to know your wants, your values, and what would be your definition of a fulfilling self-pleasuring experience. You may be looking for ways to enhance your pleasure, looking to seek a positive body image, confront shame, integrate spirituality with your erotic pleasure, learn to enhance ejaculation, learn to experience pleasure without ejaculation, learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation. The possibilities are endless!
Each session and each client are different. Some of our sessions will involve talking and other forms of communication. Some may include breathing and movement. Some may include touch, or masturbation together to show examples and technique. Some sessions will be easy for you; others may be a challenge. I will usually ask you to do some homework play assignments on your own too. These assignments can provide you with powerful insight and awareness.
The general topics that we’ll cover often include:
We’ll also explore choice and surrender around ejaculation. Once you’ve mastered listening and checking in with your body, you can tell what your body wants. Be present and listen, feel and trust your body because it knows when it’s time to ejaculate.
The first step is choice. Most men begin the routine of masturbation and end up ejaculating out of habit. Many of us have experienced ejaculations when we really weren’t up for it and we know how unfulfilling that experience can be. But by being present to your body you can learn to listen for what your body needs. There are times when ejaculation isn’t that important. There are also times when your body really needs that terrific release and that’s when you should do it with abandon and celebrate it.
The second step is surrender. Many men have a habit of tensing up and holding our breath in preparation for ejaculation. I suggest instead that we consciously relax the body and breathe deeply. This may be difficult at first, but it actually helps the body relax and prepare to let go to the experience. Letting go is key. Ejaculation is a reflex that can’t be controlled (at least beyond a certain point!). Many of us try to control the experience; but the key to fully enjoying it is to let go and surrender to the the sacred experience.
One of my core beliefs is that you can’t be erotic with other people until we learn how to be erotic with ourself. Many men find that masturbation coaching helps them in their relationships by being more comfortable with their own erotic needs and helps foster better communication among partners. In fact, one of my teachers – Joseph Kramer, Ph.D. – believes that one third of the men and women who see psychotherapists just need to learn to masturbate better. Rather than psychotherapy, they need sex coaching.
One of the most powerful realizations for me was a recognition and celebration of my inner beast. I spent many years repressing this part of me because I was afraid of him. After a lot of self-reflection, I came to honor the beast. It is this beast that makes me who I am. It is the beast that gives me drive and determination toward my goals. The beast represents the best of my masculine qualities of self reliance, creativity and personal responsibility. Celebrating the beast balances and grounds me. He channels energy towards activity and expression. It is the beast that is erotic. Making friends with the beast has allowed me to heal my relationship with my body. Being afraid of my inner beast was, to me, like being afraid of my soul.
I spent many years running away from my own inner beast. In this article, originally published in White Crane Journal, I share my journey and insights. Much of his learning was focused on becoming comfortable with my sexuality.
I’ve come to celebrate my beast in my masturbation rituals. These rituals help to ground me and keep me connected with my body. I often play meditative music mixed with expressive sounds to help me stay present. You can listen or download a sample of what I often listen to in mp3 format.
To me the spiritual dimension to masturbating mindfully is especially powerful. The pleasure I’ve felt during Mindful Masturbation has helped me past body shame concerns. It’s brought me to closure with hurt and pain I experienced as a boy. I’ve come to appreciate being in my body – which helped me to greatly improve my feelings about myself. I’ve learned the importance of taking care of my body and I am in awe of the higher power that created it for me. Yes, through mindful masturbation I healed the rift with my body and reclaim my erotic energy!
I invite you to email or phone me to talk more about this important work.