The right brain is holistic. It is where intuittion comes from. I use my right brain during bodywork. The left brain is focused on solving problems. It’s where logic comes from. I use my left brain when I’m writing code for a website.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this left/right brain mix. I started the day with a phone call  on a website redesign. After this call I had to head over to south of market for a porn shoot. At this shoot, I tortured and milked a 20-something kid for 2 hours! I had him tied up and loved seeing him moan and whimper with delight (and a bit of torture too!) This shoot is for a new line of kink videos they’re working on. After the shoot, I came back home to see a client helping him reconnect with his erotic self. Nothing like helping a guy reconnect with Eros after milking the kid for a few hours! Whew! The I switched into my tech hat again and headed downtown to Taproot. I’ve been offering my web development skills pro bono to non-profits through Taproot and gave a presentation to a group of other volunteers on the web development project implications when using WordPress to develop websites. Yep, geeky indeed! After that I rushed back home to finish out the day seeing a bodywork client. I capped the evening off with a few slices of pizza and a glass of wine. Boy, talk about a left/right brain mix!

This mix of using both parts of me gives me balance. I can understand and appreciate multiple ways of looking at something. It also forces me to be present. Bouncing back and forth requires me to really focus on what’s going on in the present moment. It’s so important yet so hard to do. Living my life in this manner helps reinforce the power of simply being present.

Left Brain/Right Brain is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

Why is it that every time a group of men get together we I have to somehow find a way to compete and perform? Even if the space is set up specifically to NOT have to compete and perform. The conditioning for competition is so deep that we do it to ourselves even if there’s no reason for it.

The space was very celebratory and loving, yet I found myself in my head as the ritual began all around performing. What if I didn’t get hard? What if I didn’t do it ‘right’? What if I did it too ‘right’? Sometimes I just wish I could find that damn off switch and shut my mind off!

Of course, I wasn’t surprised by the irony in this situation. Here I was masturbating – usually a way for me to shut my mind off – finding that I couldn’t shut my mind off. I decided to give myself permission to be myself. I retreated – on purpose. I found a space in the room that was toward the back and somewhat away from all the activity and just focused on my breath and my body. I closed my eyes. I listened to my body.

Low and behold, it started to work. My mind slowed down. I took in my breath. I took in the energy of the other men in the room and let go of having to do anything with that energy. I let go of that damned internal programming around competition and simply got present – first with my breath, then my body and then the space around me.

I then moved about the room. My Beast came out to play. He danced with other beasts. He felt the group energy. My beast learned the importance of not having to be anything other than himself.

Performance is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

February Newsletter – Anger, Revolution & Leadership is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

How do I do this?

I decrease my reliance on vision. I have five senses. I need to learn how to use them all. Like most guys, I rely upon my vision more than the other senses in my erotic life. After my experience in being blindfolded at Mindful Self-Loving, I’m going to focus more on developing my other senses.

I quit using colognes and deodorant over 10 years ago. I found that making natural body smell no longer worked for me and that daily bathing was enough for social hygiene. The perfumes and chemicals we apply just get in the way. Natural body smells help return me to that primal space. There’s something about natural body smells that is also a big turn-on that ignites my Beast.

When playing with others, I’m somewhat mimicking my dogs. I’m smelling the person I’m with to get to know him. I’m learning how to use my intuition to gather information from scent. I’m also surprised that there much information to gather! I don’t need to analyse and ‘figure out’ what the scents mean. Relying upon my intuition seems to work quite well.

I’m expressing myself through sound much more. Sometimes the sounds are quiet purrs. Other times the sounds are loud moans. I’m not editing myself and just letting out whatever sound needs to come out. The response form others has been very encouraging! I’m getting many comments from those I play with that they too enjoy the sound I’m making. I used to think that others would be put off or even think that the noise is strange. I’m finding out that others like the sound too!

While making more sound I’m actually using fewer words. Language is a great tool useful in many situations. I’m finding in my erotic life that words can also get in the way. When I”m speaking I’m in my head. When I let go of the need for words, it’s easier to get out of my head. Of course, there are many times when words are needed – just not as often as I would have thought they were needed.

I’m expressing my wild side. I found myself playfully biting. More surprisingly, the person I was with responded by bringing his beast out to play too! I played with how some animals carry their children by biting on the back of the neck. As I was biting my playmate on the back of his neck I noticed that this really charged both of us. While biting I also notice my taste. I learn how to taste the other person’s skin. I find that I can pick up his beast through what I notice in my mouth as I’m biting. Definitely more play biting, scratching and general roughhousing!

Finally, I need a name to call my Beast. He is part of me. He provides my drive, ambition and determination. He is the horny part of me that wants to fuck a lot. He needs a name.

Integrating My Beast is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

This post is about a very different type of sexual beast. This beast is the animal within; it is that part of us where the ordinary disappears and the extraordinary makes itself known. It is where the sexual energy unites with the heart energy allowing us to express ourselves in ways where words don’t really work very well.

I thought I knew my beast. I’m realizing that although I am familiar with much I also have more to get to know. I also now see that I keep my beast at a distance. Scratch recently told me that I often refer to my beast as if he is separate from myself. As soon as he told me that I knew he hit on something.

Why do I do this? What is it that scares me about that part of myself? Why do I find sex so incredibly hot yet also a bit scary at the same time? Is that old Catholic programming still more active than I want to admit?

Does age enter into this? Sure we all like to imagine good looking younger people enjoying sex, but what about those of us who get mail from AARP? Am I letting my own age bias effect my feelings? Most of us can easily imagine a young virile beast, what about an older beast? What does he look like?

I like letting my beast come play when I’m alone and I’m noticing that I hold back when I’m playing with others. Why? What is it about that part of me that I’m ashamed of? Is approval from others so important to me that I’m willing to sacrifice part of myself in the process? What’s keeping me from letting all parts of me come out to play?

Integrating our erotic lives into everything we do is so important to me. When erotic energies are segregated, we aren’t whole. Sex influences everything we do – even when we’re not being sexual. I use my sexual energies often in very non-sexual situations. There’s a huge difference between being aware of sexual energies and acting on those energies. Yet, I’m aware that I have an additional integration task to do. I need to integrate my beast into all parts of me.

The journey continues.

And I Thought I Knew My Beast is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

OK, not really, but many guys take in proportionately more from our visual sense than the other senses when it comes to our erotic lives. Just look at how much most of us look at porn. I hardly ever meet someone who doesn’t watch something while masturbating.

What would it be like to temporarily turn off our vision and play with the other senses while in erotic space?

I had the opportunity to play with that during Mindful Self Loving this week. My intention for the group was to see what would be possible when we weren’t focused on what we take in from our eyes and instead were to focus on what we take in from the other senses.

I found myself getting lost in pleasure. I was letting go of having to perform. My ears were really attuned to the sounds coming from the other men in the room which added to my own erotic energy. I found that it was much easier to let go of my noisy mind and settle into my body. Presence suddenly became very easy! Without my eyes wondering, I was able to easily let go and enjoy the experience.

After a while I invited the men present to remove their blindfolds if they chose to. I noticed for myself that I really didn’t want to remove it, but I felt I should offer that opportunity to the men in the workshop. What surprised me is that once I opened my eyes to take in the room, most of the men continued to keep their eyes closed! I assume they were having a similar reaction.

I too felt the need to keep my visual input to a minimum. I found myself in a really good erotic zone where my mind was surprisingly quiet – which is almost unheard of when I’m leading a workshop. I made a choice to stay with it. I closed my eyes most of the way to where all I was able to see fuzzy images of the other men but not much more. I saw what was going on the room but without much of the detail. I found that this blurry vision kept me in the energy of the room without becoming so distracting as to take me out of my zone.

I rarely look at porn while masturbating. I find that it actually distracts me. What surprised me about this experience was how much I continue to be distracted by what I see. Our eyes bombard us with information. Much of the time this information is very valuable; however, there are times when this constant bombardment becomes a distraction. Try closing your eyes and see what unfolds!

Vision is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

This head space hasn’t always been natural for me. I remember going back to junior high when other boys would beat me up for not being masculine enough. I didn’t even know what masculinity was back then; but I clearly didn’t have the usual outward signs of a comfortably masculine 12 year old.

Early on I learned that masculinity also meant violence. The only real role model I had early on was my father and his violent outbursts just made me want to run away from anything I thought was masculine. I’ve come to realize now that, for a time in my life, I was scared of masculinity.

As I explored subbing, I found that I could reclaim my masculinity. I learned how to transform the violence I experienced when younger into pleasure. The ability to transform is an incredible power! I learned how to claim my masculinity for myself – not as how I thought anyone else defined it for me.

I learned how to find my inner beast. My beast is all about my personal expression of masculinity. Sometimes, that expression is aggressive and primal. Other time it’s soft and cuddly. Connecting with the aggressive and primal part of my beast provides me with a path into my top energy. Top energy is aggressive and primal. It takes control; however, it takes control only when it is given control. For this reason the primal beast is also combined with my heart.

When I combine the beast with my heart magic happens. I let my wild side out to play and that play is not all about me. I get to dominate and control, but my heart is full of connection and love. That connection and love is what allows me to be aware of my partner’s energy. That awareness and presence helps me be the kind of top that he needs in the moment. That connection and love reminds me that this is all about play and keeping it fun is nurturing is important.

The alpha top that is consumed with domination at the expense of what the sub feels or wants scares the hell out of me. When topping turns into ‘I get everything I want regardless of what you want’ that, to me, borders on violence. I see way too much of this in the gay men’s world. To me, it reminds me of the classic boorish definition of masculinity.

Maybe it’s because my topping is a reflection of my subbing, but there are always limits. The job of my inner top is to understand and respect those limits while also stretching the sub into areas that he didn’t know he could experience. It really is all about connection and love.

Finding My Inner Top is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

“I teach this stuff, why do I continue to do what I teach not to do?”

Because I’m human.

I’ve been aware the last few days of the need to let go of expectations around sex and just be present. I’ve spent much time trying to unlearn the performance/goal oriented model of sex that most men acquire. We all know this one: I want to do something (or I think I’m expected to do something) so I’m focusing all my energy on that thing that I will soon be doing. Yet, the more I”m focusing my energy on that thing I want to do, the more it seems to allude me.

So lately, I’ve been focusing on simply being present, letting go and savoring. When I notice my noisy mind getting active and, well, noisy, I try to bring my attention to my breath and notice what pleasure feels like. Lately I’m noticing all the subtleties of pleasure. It’s really easy to be aware of pleasure that comes from my penis, it takes presence to notice the pleasure that comes from my neck, or my forearm or many other places on my body. Yet, these other areas are full of sensations to savor!

I also notice that it’s easier to let go when I’m being topped. It’s a natural to let go and surrender. I’m now practicing what it’s like to let go and surrender while also topping. The two definitely go together in a very unexpected and fun way!

Presence and Letting Go is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

There’s also the other side of sex that I’m equally aware of. There’s the raw, primal part of me that just wants to fuck. There’s the hedonistic beast that is full of desire and lust. There’s the part about taking, domination and carnal desire.

The interesting point is that both extremes are real and true as are all the possibilities between these two extremes. Although our culture puts judgement values on the extremes, both are actually needed. Without the carnal energy, I’d be nothing more than a much of warm fuzzies with no drive and no desire. Without the sacred side, I’d be out fucking anything and anyone I could with no regard for anyone other than myself.

Yet, when I engage both energies simultaneously magic happens. The core primal lust combined with the feelings from my heart create infinite possibilities.

Again, our culture likes to make most things a choice – choose one OR the other. I actually like the word AND. I like both!

The Sacred and The Profane is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men

I remember as a kid taking road trips with my family. (I still enjoy road trips!) I remember going into a new state as a new adventure – a time to start over.

This theme of resets has been prominent in my life lately. Life has a way of bringing us resets too. It seems to me that things go in a 7 year cycle for me. Seven years ago, I left the comfortably numb corporate world behind and opened a new chapter to live my life the way I wanted to. There have been adventures and lessons throughout this chapter, but the one prominent lesson is to believe and trust in myself. It’s easy to forget this important lesson but it also has a way of reminding me – sonetimes gently and sometime with a sharp slap across the face.

I’m feeling that it’s time to close and open a new chapter now. This time the chapter is around my relationships. I’ve been in a primary relationship for almost 25 years. We’ve had our ups and downs as does any relationship; however, there are also several big things that are preventing me from being truly happy with the relationship.

There are people in this world who see the glass as half full – I think I’m one of those. There are also people who live their entire existence seeing the glass as half empty. My primary partner has been living with a deep depression for decades. I can’t cure it (believe me I’ve tried!) I can tell him of my hopes and dreams for us, but I can’t change the way he sees life. We all live with filters – seeing what we choose to see – no one can change anyone else’s filter. Only we can do that for ourselves.

I’m between taking care of my partner and supporting him through his journey and also taking care of myself and supporting myself through my journey. I’ve spent many years helping and supporting and I’ve finally realized that I can’t live his journey for him. I can’t remove his pain – only he can do that.

This above all, to thine own self be true, And it must follow as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man.

- Hamlet

I’ve decided that I need to close the current chapter. We both need to see what’s next. I love my primary partner dearly and hope that the next chapter keeps us somehow involved in each other’s lives. At the same time, I’m also clear that I must grow and I can’t do that while attached to the relationship in this form.

It took beginning the Daddy/boy relationship with Scratch to wake me up to how miserable I have been. Of course, I have dreams; at the same time, I am under no illusions about where things may go with Scratch. I look forward to growing this new relationship but I’m also very aware that only time will tell what awaits us. Regardless of where things go with David, I’ve been awakened to what life is like in a happy, functional relationship. I’ve realized that I deserve that and I am resolved to reclaim my life.

I look forward to life in 2012!

Happy New Year!

Reset is a post from: Sacred Touch for Men