Posted by ed on May 27, 2013
Posted in our body | Tagged With: erotic education, first time, masculinity |
I remember it vividly – like it was yesterday.
I was the summer of 1972 and I was 11 years old. I was already enjoying the sensations from masturbating by this time but hadn’t yet experienced an orgasm and ejaculation. I remember masturbating in the tub and this time it felt very different. The sensations were much stronger and I was very aware of the buildup in my body. Before I knew it I experienced my first ejaculation.
Thanks to some slightly older friends I was expecting this. I was so excited! I wanted to tell the world. Yet I knew that I couldn’t say anything.
I’m curious if this scenario sets a cycle of shame around our sexuality. This is a momentous event in a boy’s life yet very few can talk about it. This event could be a great opportunity to create ritual to celebrate and share wisdom around sexuality. Instead, through fear and ignorance, we use it as an opportunity to reinforce sex based shame.
I’ve heard from some men that their first time was frightening. They didn’t know what was happening and were completely surprised by their ejaculation. Some men have vivid memories that they somehow injured themselves. I can only imagine how such a frightening experience impacted their sexuality.
Yes, my father did have the sex talk with me. Clearly, he came from a different generation and I’m sure he did the best he could. But the talk came a bit late; by the time of the talk I was already aware of pretty much everything he had to say. I could tell he was clearly uncomfortable with this talk and, consequently, I didn’t engage him any further.
I’ve spoken with fathers who are very adept at answering their kids’ questions about life and sex in an age-appropriate, sex-positive way. An initial healthy message would go so far to open dialog between a father and son. With this existing open dialog there’s a increased likelihood that a boy would feel comfortable talking with his father about this important event and setting the stage for a healthy, happy erotic life.
What better gift could a father give his son?
Posted by ed on May 27, 2012
Posted in our body | Tagged With: presence |
I’m in an afterglow today after an amazing evening of heart centered play, connection and energy exchange. Today I’m struck by by the powerful feeling of masculine play. As boys we learn how to interact and play with others. We learn about the value of masculine play. As adults, however, it’s all to easy for me to forget about the value of play and get stuck in my left brain hemisphere where it’s all about tasks, to do’s, language and the past and future. Last night was an opportunity to spend several hours at play pretty much completely in the present moment of my right brain.
One of the highlights of the evening was hearing Jill Bolte Taylor’s Stroke of Insight talk on Ted. When my friend first stated the talk, I really wasn’t paying much attention. However, as I began to listen to her talk I notice my left brain asking lots of questions. “Who is this person?” “Is she crazy?” “What is this?” My mind wanted to categorize the points of her talk. After a bit, I consciously let go of having to ask myself questions and just listened. That’s when the magic happened: the talk was about right/left brain experiences and I had to listen with both parts of my brain. I all too often filter much of my experience with primarily my left brain; consequently, I never see the entire picture.
It’s so easy for me to get caught up in a ‘right brain or left brain’ dilemma. After my experience last night, I’m really aware that the word or is very limiting. I’m choosing the word and instead. When my right brain and my left brain work together magic can happen!
If you haven’t heard her talk, please take the 19 minutes to hear it – it was inspiring.
Posted by ed on April 21, 2012
Posted in our body | Tagged With: fear, vulnerability |
We live in a culture dripping with fear. During Kinky Camp several of the men requested that their names not be public during the event. While I understand and respect their need for discretion, I was struck by the fact that they actually need this discretion.
It is absolutely ridiculous that in 2012 someone’s job could be in jeopardy because they choose or are even curious about a perfectly legal and consensual activity. Culturally, we’re afraid of sex.
At the airport on the way home there were many ‘God Bless the Troops’ signs. These signs were somewhat in my face – not because of the message – rather, it was a reminder of the constant and low level of war that had become the background noise of our culture.
We’ve made war more or less socially acceptable and a constant. I’m reminded of the original Star Trek episode A Taste of Armageddon (yes, I’m a trekkie) where two planets were fighting a war by computer for over 500 years. Since there wasn’t real destruction and real pain, the war just kept on going – there was no incentive to stop it. I’m concerned that we’ve entered into a not too dissimilar view toward war. For most of us, it’s just the background noise of life that adds a layer of fear to everything we do. Makes me want to go to the God Bless the Troops sale at Walmart and buy USA underwear.
Speaking of airports… The entire security process is designed to add to our fear. Of course, air travel should be safe. Unfortunately the security screening process seems more like a show than actual security. There’s lots of extra process and we feel exposed and vulnerable (ok, sometimes exposed and not vulnerable) while holding our arms up and getting scanned under our clothes, yet the risk reduction really isn’t that great given the extra invasion of privacy. But it’s a great show to remind everyone how fearful we should be! The primary security enhancement since 9/11 isn’t the TSA or all the extra security screening; instead, the real enhancement is the difficulty in accessing the cockpit of a plane – that’s the real control!
So then we get to Chicago for a 2 hour wait to change planes. As we’re strolling about the airport the pleasant, yet stern voice comes on the terminal speakers reminding everyone that germs are everywhere and that we should wash our hands to protect ourselves from those nasty germs. Do I really need a loud PA reminder to wash my hands? Oh yea, germs are gonna kill me too. Sorry, I forgot to be afraid of something that humans have lived with since the dawn of time. Quick get me to the soap, water and sanitizer – stat!
Whatever happened to common sense?
Posted by ed on March 22, 2012
Posted in our body |
You may have to login to view because YouTube calls this mature content. I call this funny!
Posted by ed on November 1, 2010
Posted in our body | Tagged With: performing |
I sometimes joke that many men spend the first half of their lives running away from erections and the second half wondering where they all went!
Performance anxiety is something that affects many millions of men around the world. Most men have experienced some degree of performance anxiety sometime in their life. One moment we’re in the mood, ready to go and then suddenly and without warning something happens. The body stops reacting and we’re let down – in more ways that one.
For most of us this is a momentary glitch, or it’s very occasional. But, even though its cause may be unknown or even long gone, regaining composure is almost impossible. Once that one-off event happens, the moment has passed and is often replaced by a feeling of inadequacy. This often fools men into believing there is a more serious problem or long-term issues to confront. In many cases we fear getting older.
The causes can be both physical and psychological.I first like to recommend that a man see his health care provider. In some cases, physiological issues are getting in the way. These issues include being overweight, high blood pressure and reactions from certain medications. Once these physiological issues are ruled out we can focus on other psychological issues.
In many cases these can be rectified quite easily. What could have started as a single incident of performance anxiety becomes a self-perpetuating problem. The fear of it happening again can actually cause it to happen when it otherwise wouldn’t. A good way to assess if your performance issues are anxiety-related is to monitor whether this happens only during intercourse with others or during masturbation too. If it also occurs during masturbation and you cannot clearly explain it away due to tiredness or a passing illness, then there may be a more considerable physical or psychological cause.
There are plenty of things that you can do.
- Exercise. Exercise is proven to not only assist your physical health, but it also improves your mental health and general self-perception. It also helps with our erotic life. You feel better after a pleasant workout. Your mental agility, imagination, thought processes and state of mind all improve through exercise. You can feel more confident and capable, and your body feels more in tune.
- Presence. We are often so goal oriented. Sex is not a race. Your focus should not be on simply trying to reach orgasm; rather, spend time enjoying the journey. Take your time to explore your body and your partner’s body. Take some nice, deep breaths. Set an intention of NOT being hard and enjoy those sensations. Take your time to explore your body with your partner, use foreplay and touch as tools to build the excitement.
- Relax. If you go soft into it there’s no need to worry. Use the opportunity as a time to explore the pleasures of a soft dick. This isn’t a time to go fast and furious to get hard again. Rather, experiment with slowing down and explore the pleasures of a soft cock. You just may be surprised!
- Abstinence. I’m not necessarily talking about abstaining from sex – just abstain from ejaculation. Try building the sexual energy and not cum for a few days. See what there is to notice. Alternatively, learn some methods of edging. Bring yourself close to climax repeatedly, and by the time you’re due to meet your partner you just may be surprised!
- Don’t accept criticism. If your partner thinks it’s funny to make light of your situation, explain to them how it makes you feel. Most of all, explain to them that their attitude will certainly not be helping! Additionally, if this is the kind of partner you have, do they even deserve you and your dick?
- Diversify. For the single guys out there, have you actually tried being a little more experimental? We all have fetishes and little quirks that make us interesting, so why not explore them? If they’re healthy and do no harm, what have you got to lose? Experiment with anal pleasure; you may be pleasantly surprised. Try out some interesting SM play? Experiment with a new toy. Even take a look and the gender you usually play with. I know gay guys who have experimented with women, bi guys who have suggested a threesome and their partner agreed and straight guys who have experimented with men.
Of course, there are medical options. I really prefer the natural option, but the performance prescription drugs often work well. I don’t like relying on popping a pill, but there are times when the pill can give you just the extra confidence that may be helpful for you.There are also other drugs that may be more helpful – ask your doctor. There are also natural options that can be explored. For example, l-arginine, a common amino acid available in a health food stores, increases nitric oxide production which also makes erections easier. Again, talk with your health care provider.
Posted by ed on October 27, 2010
Posted in our body | Tagged With: multiple orgasm |
Sometimes I just have to share a personal experience. Last night I masturbated (I know, big surprise!) I really make a point to go real slow. One of the things I often mention during masturbation coaching is that the slower you go up the incline of erotic excitement, the more potential there is for erotic trance, and the easier it is to simply enjoy the erotic charge rather than have to concern yourself about not cumming.
Anyway, I took a good hour plus to get myself charged. Using a 1 to 10 scale, I took about 90 minutes to get from starting to close to a 10. I was very slow and deliberate. I soon found myself in that delicious erotic trance space – where I’m simply erotically charged and not really aware of anything else. I wasn’t trying NOT to cum – there simply wasn’t any overwhelming need to cum. I also love this place, because my mind clears and I really feel focused and present.
After more time of this blissed out trance, I was feeling pretty full inside and felt the need to cum. I was doing nice long, slow strokes and had this amazing ejaculation onto my leg which felt great. Immediately I knew I had to keep going – I wasn’t done! I kept the strokes at the same deliberate pace and after about another 2 or 3 minutes let out another big load accompanied with a truly satisfying orgasm.
After two of these I thought I must be done and stopped stroking for a minute or so. But I noticed that tingling feeling from deep inside was telling me that I was ready for more. So I started up the stroking again. After another five minutes or so of stroking I had another orgasm and ejaculation. This ejaculation wasn’t nearly as much as the others, but still was greatly satisfying.
After this third orgasm, I finally felt that I was done and sat in cum covered bliss for a few minutes!
I switch between using Albolene or massage oil as lube. This evening I was using massage oil. I think I’m going to be using the massage oil more. Albolene is great for masturbation, but gets really sticky when mixed with cum. The oil kept its consistency after cumming and I didn’t have to break my pattern to deal with sticky lube – that really helped keep the pace going.
Posted by ed on June 30, 2010
Posted in our body | Tagged With: body image, penis size |
Almost every man in our culture is concerned about the size of his penis.
I remember the scene vividly even though it was over 30 years ago. It way my first high school PE class. This was back in a time when we were FORCED to change before class and shower afterward. I remember PE because it’s where I (and I assume most men) learned about locker room behavior. I learned to secretly check out the other guys and compare their penises to mine. Every guy does it and we all hope we don’t get caught!
Every man, of any sexual orientation, checks out other naked men. Most of the time we’re looking for one thing and one thing only: how big is he compared to me? The thing many of us don’t realize is that this isn’t a fair comparison. When you’re looking at someone else you’re looking at a slight downward angle. When you’re looking at yourself you’re looking almost straight down. These aren’t the same angles; accordingly, you have a different perspective looking at yourself compared to looking at someone else. Keep that in mind the next time you sneak a look!
I’ve worked with men who have concerns about penis size. (No, not all of these men were concerned about their penis being too small – more on that later.) The thing to look at is does this part of your body give you pleasure. Does it feel good? Does it give your partner pleasure? In other words, rather than looking at the size of your penis, take a look at its function. Be happy that your penis makes you and your partner happy.
I’ve also worked with men who complain that their penis is too big. Many of these men find it difficult for others to see them as men; rather, their experience is that of a person attached to a large penis. Many of these men experience popularity but that popularity is only due to their penis – not to who these men are as people. One man recently told me, “I’d actually like for someone to see me and get to know me as a whole person – not just my penis.”
As long as we view our penis as separate from ourselves as men, we’ll continue to experience shame around this part of our body. When we look at this part of the body just like any other part of the body and see ourselves as an integrated, whole person the shame begins to go away.
Posted by ed on June 26, 2010
Posted in our body | Tagged With: genital shame |
Most writing on genital shame is focused on women. Yet, I find genital shame in many men too. Genital shame takes many different forms but I’ve noticed some similarities. First of all many men have a distanced relationship with our genitals. We often treat our penis as separate from the rest of our body. Some of us even give a name to the penis. How many other parts of the body are named? This distance, even when done in a humorous way, increases the distance and detachment from our genitals.
Sometimes these names are an attempt to acknowledge erection concerns. Sometimes it does seem that our penis has a mind of it’s own. Most guys have had that experience of getting uncontrolled erections. We’re embarrassed about being called in class if we have an erection. Then, later in life, we wonder where those erections went. We spend the first half of our life running away from erections and the second half chasing after them! The comon theme is that we blame our penis.
Many of us had experiences that our penises are “dirtier” than the other parts of our body. We don’t notice when a little body absent mindedly rubs his arm. Yet many parents get quite upset if a little boy absent-mindedly (or deliberately) starts rubbing his genitals. Yet, we are aware that it feels good and are confused why there’s so much fuss when we rub “down there.” Much of the time, the “Don’t do that, that’s dirty” will only come from mom or dad when he touches himself in one particular spot. Most little boys don’t see their testicles and their penises as entirely separate entities. By the time a boy is six or seven, he’s probably learned from his family that his genitals are dirty. We learn to keep this part of our body concealed and hidden.
Of course, the big issue is around penis size – more about this for the next post.
Posted by ed on June 6, 2010
Posted in our body | Tagged With: erotic energy, listening |
I see a common theme in many men that shows up as a gap between what our head wants and what our body wants. Usually this comes up around sexual activity – our head wants to be strongly sexual yet our body isn’t quite there. More often than not, we drag our body along and the experience is often less than satisfactory.
Often this behavior is due to fear around aging – we become concerned because our erotic energy isn’t what it used to be and we think we have to force it. Erotic energy comes in cycles – sometimes we feel it strongly and other times it’s just not that strong. I think the problem is because many of us experienced a time in our life (teens and 20′s) when this energy was very strong. We have a hard time believing that it’s OK to have less than 100%.
I invite us to listen to where our energy is and honor ourselves where we are. For example, spend 3 to 5 minutes breathing and meditating. Ask yourself how would you rate your erotic energy on a scale of 1 to 10. Be honest! If you’re aware that you’re a 3 then be a 3. If you’re aware that you’re a 3 but feel you should be a 10 just note the gap. There’s no need to do anything about it.
Then engage in activity (or not) based on where you really are. That activity may be asking your partner just to be held. It may be a nice, slow massage. A wonderful erotic activity for when your energy isn’t that high is a slow genital massage. Ask the person giving you the massage to let you be soft – you don’t need an erection for this. You’ll be amazed how pleasurable it can be!
On the other hand, if you’re a 10 then fully be a 10. Get moving! Get sweaty! Make noise and enjoy the feeling. If your partner isn’t at a 10 with you then give yourself permission to have an encounter with yourself. A quick wank probably won’t do; give yourself full permission to experience erotic energy as a 10.
As you gain practice listening to your body you’ll begin to notice the cycles of erotic energy. That noise in your head wondering why your energy is low will begin to fade because you’ll know that it’s all part of the natural cycle.