I recently spent a week at Easton Mountain part of an amazing faculty of men facilitating Eros Spirit Camp. This week long event features many workshops and events to help men connect Eros with Spirit and body.

Being ‘on’ for the week was a lot of work. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and am looking forward to returning. However, I spent the week immersed in the Eros of others and frankly didn’t have the time or energy to pay attention to my own erotic energy.

I was honored to lead a morning practice with a group of men to use masturbation as a way to wake up the body and consciously start the day. Needless to say after leading this, and other, events for the week I was VERY awake and ready to spend some quality time with myself.

As I wound down the last day I found myself with a free morning before our final circle. Ah, two glorious hours of time completely free! I went up towards the garden, stripped and enjoyed the morning sun. I was up in the garden area a few times during the week; but didn’t have enough time to really explore the area. I began to feel the warm sun on my skin and definitely noticed my erotic energy stirring. I began to walk around the amazing garden and loved the feeling of the wet morning grass between my toes and my attention just seemed to move toward my cock.

I had this image of Pan wondering though the woods and my cock just sprang to full attention. I’m usually pretty vocal when masturbating, but really noticed that a lot of noise needed to come out. I kept walking through the garden and began stroking my cock and felt this very strong sensation of erotic energy climb throughout my body. I started making low, guttural moans which lead to more intense, and louder, moans of pleasure. As I continued, I became aware that my cock was taking over – I felt a ‘Pan like’ state come over me. My cock was rock hard and I wasn’t aware of even trying to get hard. I felt no shame; rather, I felt complete joy and openness. I began dancing through the garden with my hard cock in my hand and feeling the wet grass at my feet and the warm sun on my skin.

As I continued though the garden I noticed my shadow – my body with my hard penis jutting out. This shadow kept following my wherever I went in the garden and that just fueled my energy. As I continued stroking I was so overwhelmed by the pleasurable sensation in my body, the sights of the lovely garden, the connection with sun and nature. Most of all I was completely in connection with my animal spirit – that part of us all where the noise of the busy mind lets go and spirit takes over.

I really enjoyed that 2 hours of pleasure! The pleasure just kept building and building. My cock was constantly dripping and I had this sensation of fertilizing the garden, the grass and nature. I just kept this up – I kept moving, dancing, jumping, moaning, yelling and stroking. I lost complete track of time. Thank goodness that someone rings a bell as a 10 minute warning before the next event. I heard the bell and knew that I had to bring this experience to a conclusion.

I felt in my body the need to cum. I strongly believe in the practice of listening to your body and cumming when your body needs to. My body definitely needed to. I knelt in the grass and surrendered to the pleasure and let out the most intense, loud, and voluminous ejaculation I’ve experienced in a long time.

Afterwards I continued to be aware of the increased energy in my body. I had this amazing erotic buzz that just continued and carried me to the next event!

To me, this is the biggest gift of Eros. That sensation of complete pleasure, complete peace, and expression of total joy. All this from spending a few hours masturbating in the garden!

My brother’s wedding was on Saturday, so we decided to drive up to Chicago for Pride. We had to get up SO EARLY to make it up there in time, but it was worth it. Yes, it was really hot and muggy – and it was a lot of fun!

Almost every man in our culture is concerned about the size of his penis.

I remember the scene vividly even though it was over 30 years ago. It way my first high school PE class. This was back in a time when we were FORCED to change before class and shower afterward. I remember PE because it’s where I (and I assume most men) learned about locker room behavior. I learned to secretly check out the other guys and compare their penises to mine. Every guy does it and we all hope we don’t get caught!

Every man, of any sexual orientation, checks out other naked men. Most of the time we’re looking for one thing and one thing only: how big is he compared to me? The thing many of us don’t realize is that this isn’t a fair comparison. When you’re looking at someone else you’re looking at a slight downward angle. When you’re looking at yourself you’re looking almost straight down. These aren’t the same angles; accordingly, you have a different perspective looking at yourself compared to looking at someone else. Keep that in mind the next time you sneak a look!

I’ve worked with men who have concerns about penis size. (No, not all of these men were concerned about their penis being too small – more on that later.) The thing to look at is does this part of your body give you pleasure. Does it feel good? Does it give your partner pleasure? In other words, rather than looking at the size of your penis, take a look at its function. Be happy that your penis makes you and your partner happy.

I’ve also worked with men who complain that their penis is too big. Many of these men find it difficult for others to see them as men; rather, their experience is that of a person attached to a large penis. Many of these men experience popularity but that popularity is only due to their penis – not to who these men are as people. One man recently told me, “I’d actually like for someone to see me and get to know me as a whole person – not just my penis.”

As long as we view our penis as separate from ourselves as men, we’ll continue to experience shame around this part of our body. When we look at this part of the body just like any other part of the body and see ourselves as an integrated, whole person the shame begins to go away.

Most writing on genital shame is focused on women. Yet, I find genital shame in many men too. Genital shame takes many different forms but I’ve noticed some similarities. First of all many men have a distanced relationship with our genitals. We often treat our penis as separate from the rest of our body. Some of us even give a name to the penis. How many other parts of the body are named? This distance, even when done in a humorous way, increases the distance and detachment from our genitals.

Sometimes these names are an attempt to acknowledge erection concerns. Sometimes it does seem that our penis has a mind of it’s own. Most guys have had that experience of getting uncontrolled erections. We’re embarrassed about being called in class if we have an erection. Then, later in life, we wonder where those erections went. We spend the first half of our life running away from erections and the second half chasing after them! The comon theme is that we blame our penis.

Many of us had experiences that our penises are “dirtier” than the other parts of our body. We don’t notice when a little body absent mindedly rubs his arm. Yet many parents get quite upset if a little boy absent-mindedly (or deliberately) starts rubbing his genitals. Yet, we are aware that it feels good and are confused why there’s so much fuss when we rub “down there.” Much of the time, the “Don’t do that, that’s dirty” will only come from mom or dad when he touches himself in one particular spot. Most little boys don’t see their testicles and their penises as entirely separate entities. By the time a boy is six or seven, he’s probably learned from his family that his genitals are dirty. We learn to keep this part of our body concealed and hidden.

Of course, the big issue is around penis size – more about this for the next post.

I’m writing this after a harrowing experience that’s also reminded me about an important lesson in letting go. I’m in Illinois for my brother’s wedding. Getting here was an ordeal.

My partner and I arrived early at the airport to check in for a flight. The terminal was in absolute chaos. There were people standing about everywhere and few people to assist everyone. I was asking where to go to check in the bag and kept getting pointed in different directions. After running around for quite a while to check in the bag we finally found the right place. Unfortunately, we arrived too late to check the bag.

We then went from line to line and ended up missing the flight. We ended up on standby. Ugh! After going through and not getting on 4 more flights, we were beginning to get real concerned. I was wondering if we were going to make it for the wedding. I noticed myself having a hard time letting go and trusting that we would get there.

At the 5th flight we attempted, there were 4 people who didn’t board the plane. Hmmm, maybe we would get on this one! With less than 5 minutes to go before departure one person went running toward the gate to get on the plane. We were called to the gate to wait for a seat. This is when I really had to focus on letting go of my agenda and trusting that the right thing would happen.

Eventually we did get on the plane, the doors closed and we took off.

I was reminded that I have such a hard time letting go. I was very frustrated that I wanted to do something to control or change the situation, but there was nothing I could do.

Letting go is an important practice with our bodies too. Many times we want to control the situation or control the experience. When we’re trying to control the experience, we’re not experiencing it. I’m constantly reminded of the importance of letting go.

Even when I don’t want to!

There’s a trend in advertising that’s really bothering me lately. The theme is the dumb, incompetent man rescued by the smart woman. I’ve noticed this theme in many advertisements lately.

This got me thinking about all the stereotypes we have about ourselves and how we’re supposed to behave as men. Of course, there are the common ones like we’re not supposed to have emotion or cry. There are other assumptions that we put upon ourselves. A common one I see is around our sexual energy. We often believe that we’re supposed to always be ready and willing for sex.

Of course that’s not true, yet we continue to perpetuate this misconception on ourselves A simple way to help with this is to develop the practice of being present – listening to your body and really noticing what it is that you want.

The opposite is also true. We often do think about sex a lot. When we’re in that mode of high sexual energy presence also means that we become aware of this powerful energy and accept it. Acting on it as your other commitments allow and celebrating that energy rather than trying to force it away or become ashamed of it.

I see a common theme in many men that shows up as a gap between what our head wants and what our body wants. Usually this comes up around sexual activity – our head wants to be strongly sexual yet our body isn’t quite there. More often than not, we drag our body along and the experience is often less than satisfactory.

Often this behavior is due to fear around aging – we become concerned because our erotic energy isn’t what it used to be and we think we have to force it. Erotic energy comes in cycles – sometimes we feel it strongly and other times it’s just not that strong. I think the problem is because many of us experienced a time in our life (teens and 20′s) when this energy was very strong. We have a hard time believing that it’s OK to have less than 100%.

I invite us to listen to where our energy is and honor ourselves where we are. For example, spend 3 to 5 minutes breathing and meditating. Ask yourself how would you rate your erotic energy on a scale of 1 to 10. Be honest! If you’re aware that you’re a 3 then be a 3. If you’re aware that you’re a 3 but feel you should be a 10 just note the gap. There’s no need to do anything about it.

Then engage in activity (or not) based on where you really are. That activity may be asking your partner just to be held. It may be a nice, slow massage. A wonderful erotic activity for when your energy isn’t that high is a slow genital massage. Ask the person giving you the massage to let you be soft – you don’t need an erection for this. You’ll be amazed how pleasurable it can be!

On the other hand, if you’re a 10 then fully be a 10. Get moving! Get sweaty! Make noise and enjoy the feeling. If your partner isn’t at a 10 with you then give yourself permission to have an encounter with yourself. A quick wank probably won’t do; give yourself full permission to experience erotic energy as a 10.

As you gain practice listening to your body you’ll begin to notice the cycles of erotic energy. That noise in your head wondering why your energy is low will begin to fade because you’ll know that it’s all part of the natural cycle.

I’ve really been thinking a lot lately about masculinity. At the same time, I can’t define it. I’m reminded by the 1964 statement from Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when he tried to explain what is obscene, by saying, “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced . . . but I know it when I see it . . . ”

My current working definition of masculinity is about the same as Justice Stewart’s definition of obscenity. I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it. I’d also add that I know it when I feel it. There’s something magical about someone who is comfortable in his masculinity yet doesn’t overdo it. I like a guy who just is who he is and doesn’t have to demonstrate, project, compensate for or justify anything!

Since I’m having such a hard time stating what it is, let me spend some time with what it isn’t. Masculinity has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Gender more related to outward presentation and anatomy; even these two things don’t correlate in everyone! Masculinity has nothing to do with body type, looks or age. Masculinity has nothing to do with what we wear, the car we drive, or how we make a living in the world.

Masculinity is about certain qualities. For me, masculinity qualities are about integrity, openness, independence, responsibility and achievement. Yet, the paradox is that these qualities aren’t the exclusive realm of the masculine. Assertiveness is a masculine quality, yet aggression (or unchecked assertiveness) is completely inappropriate.

I know I’m asking more than I’m answering here, but I’m really curious about exploring this area, so I’m sure there’s a lot more to write about!

Aging

The words "I am" are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you’re claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.

~A.L. Kitselman

I just returned from a wonderful week of vacation and it’s nice to be home again.

While on vacation I met a man I just couldn’t shake from my mind. We spoke a bit the first night at the hotel and didn’t talk any more while I was there. But his story really stuck with me.

This man was lamenting about getting older. He was in his mid 40’s and was very focused on his looks. He told me that he was upset because he couldn’t walk into a club and automatically ‘get’ anyone he wanted. He was afraid of getting old and becoming undesirable. I asked him about these experiences and he told me that while he liked the ability to pick up anyone he wanted, he wasn’t really satisfied with these relationships.

I invited him to take a look at these encounters. I also asked him if the men he was meeting were really interested in him as a person or were more interested in him fulfilling some generic quality – like youth. To be honest, he really didn’t know what to make of that question. It did have me wondering if he was also using his youth and looks to hide his true self from others. Of course, I’ll never know what he was thinking.

This man asked me what I find attractive in other men. I think he was expecting me to give an answer that emphasized youth and looks. I really don’t have a ‘type;’ I find many different types of men attractive. As I thought about his question, what I realized is that I find earnestness and confidence attractive. I like men who are sure of themselves and their place in the world.

This really was my truthful answer, but the man was having a hard time getting past the veneer of looks and appearance. Eventually, I had to drop the conversation and enjoy my vacation.

I’m turning 50 this year, so I’m also aware that I’ll be passing a milestone in a few months. I’m reminded of what I notice about age as I work with so many men. Yes, our culture is youth obsessed, at the same time I’m also aware that many older men bring a sense of comfort in themselves. I’ve worked with men from 18 well into their 80’s.

When I work with young men, I’m very aware of the strong outward expression of their erotic energy. I love to teach them something new about embodiment and pleasure. When I work with older men, I’m reminded of the subtle aspects of our sensuality. I enjoy showing older men that erotic fulfillment is independent from age.  In fact, I’m actually a bit jealous of the erotic energy in some older clients – I can’t help but thinking that I hope I’m feeling like they are when I’m their age!

The important thing is to enjoy where you are in life!

Summer Travels

I have a few trips planned for June and July. I’ll be in Chicago for Chicago Pride the week of June 21 through June 28. I won’t have my table with me, but would love to connect with clients in the area. Also, I’ll be a guest facilitator at Easton Mountain, outside Albany, NY, for Eros Spirit Camp from July 26 through July 30. I’m still working on my travel plans for this trip but will be in New York City ether before or after this event!

It’s Spring!!

Ed

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