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Fear and Control

Posted by ed on April 21, 2012
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We live in a culture dripping with fear. During Kinky Camp several of the men requested that their names not be public during the event. While I understand and respect their need for discretion, I was struck by the fact that they actually need this discretion.

It is absolutely ridiculous that in 2012 someone’s job could be in jeopardy because they choose or are even curious about a perfectly legal and consensual activity. Culturally, we’re afraid of sex.

At the airport on the way home there were many ‘God Bless the Troops’ signs. These signs were somewhat in my face – not because of the message – rather, it was a reminder of the constant and low level of war that had become the background noise of our culture.

We’ve made war more or less socially acceptable and a constant. I’m reminded of the original Star Trek episode A Taste of Armageddon (yes, I’m a trekkie) where two planets were fighting a war by computer for over 500 years. Since there wasn’t real destruction and real pain, the war just kept on going – there was no incentive to stop it. I’m concerned that we’ve entered into a not too dissimilar view toward war. For most of us, it’s just the background noise of life that adds a layer of fear to everything we do. Makes me want to go to the God Bless the Troops sale at Walmart and buy USA underwear.

Speaking of airports… The entire security process is designed to add to our fear. Of course, air travel should be safe. Unfortunately the security screening process seems more like a show than actual security. There’s lots of extra process and we feel exposed and vulnerable (ok, sometimes exposed and not vulnerable) while holding our arms up and getting scanned under our clothes, yet the risk reduction really isn’t that great given the extra invasion of privacy. But it’s a great show to remind everyone how fearful we should be! The primary security enhancement since 9/11 isn’t the TSA or all the extra security screening; instead, the real enhancement is the difficulty in accessing the cockpit of a plane – that’s the real control!

So then we get to Chicago for a 2 hour wait to change planes. As we’re strolling about the airport the pleasant, yet stern voice comes on the terminal speakers reminding everyone that germs are everywhere and that we should wash our hands to protect ourselves from those nasty germs. Do I really need a loud PA reminder to wash my hands? Oh yea, germs are gonna kill me too. Sorry, I forgot to be afraid of something that humans have lived with since the dawn of time. Quick get me to the soap, water and sanitizer – stat!

Whatever happened to common sense?

Vulnerability and Authenticity

Posted by ed on April 16, 2012
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I am constantly reminded of the power and the challenges of being vulnerable. I’m finding that vulnerability is actually a place from which to create very powerful and memorable connections.

I’m currently wrapping up a long weekend of kink instruction at Kinky Camp, A part of the weekend was a workshop on anal pleasure. I covered many aspects of anal pleasure from very light external touch through and including fisting.

I believe that there are many misconceptions about fisting. Of course fisting isn’t for everyone; however, in porn it’s often depicted as an aggressive and domineering activity. Although it can be that way, it’s also a way for two people to share a close and very intimate connection.

Since many of the people coming to Kinky Camp were novices, and even fewer had any experience with fisting, Scratch and I decided to include a demonstration with my talk.

As I was preparing for the demo the voices in my head became quite loud. Here I was about to have my butt on display for about 30 men. What would happen if I wasn’t ready? What if I wasn’t clean? What if my butt was tight and I couldn’t take Scratch’s hand?

As we started, I found that the connection I had with Scratch enabled me to overcome the noise in my head. The connection and the trust helped me feel in my body that everything would be OK.

Not only did this trust help me, it also helped the men witnessing, many of whom commented that they had never seen fisting before. Given the intensity of what was happening, the energy of the room was very calm and peaceful.

After the demo was complete and we reengaged with the room, I shared the feelings that were going on for me with the men in the room I found that sharing my insecurities and doubts was able to engage some of the men witnessing to share their feelings about the experience too.

Many of the men commented that the demo was very informative and was an important part of the weekend. All in all, a very valuable reminder of the payback in being vulnerable and authentic.

April Newletter – Values

Posted by ed on April 9, 2012
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The challenges in defining our own values rather than accepting predefined values. Check out the April newsletter.