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Sacred Touch for Men Relax your body. Reclaim your pleasure. Find your passion.

Anointing as Erotic Ritual

Posted by ed on December 21, 2010
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anointing the phallus

Today is the winter solstice – the longest night of the year. It’s a great time to focus our energies inward and listen to the rhythms of the body. In this spirit I share an erotic ritual. Perhaps you can practice a form of ritual to mark this special day.

I have a strong belief in the power of conscious sexuality. Ritual plays an important part in conscious sexuality. Ritual is actually pretty simple – it’s creating an intention then symbolizing that intention through an action. Ritual has been an important part of life and death throughout history. I believe that ritual can be especially powerful when integrated with our erotic energies.

A common ritual is anointing or using a substance to imbibe a spirit or power. I have objects throughout my room that are significant to me. One of these objects is a quartz crystal phallus. I use it as a symbol of masculine energy. I often use this phallus to receive my ejaculate as a symbol of the essence of my masculine energy.

During a particularly strong erotic trance session I often notice a feeling of fullness in my internal reproductive system. Many men aren’t familiar with these organs, but both the seminal vesicles and the prostate play a part here. I become aware of a pleasurable sense of fullness from both.

I don’t subscribe to any particular belief on an optimal frequency of ejaculation. I know others have strong viewpoints on this topic; however, I am an advocate of listening to your body. As we develop the ability to listen we can move from ejaculating out of habit and instead ejaculate when our body needs to or is ready to.

One of the subtle cues is that sense of fullness. Through practice, listening and learning to let go of control,  I’ve developed the ability to release what I call an ‘overflow’ ejaculation. This is a very different sensation from a more traditional ejaculation. It’s best described as a pleasurable release not accompanied with rhythmic contractions usually associated with orgasm. It’s very pleasurable and not energetically draining at all. In fact, I usually keep going after such a release.

As the first photo shows, I like to use the overflow to anoint the phallus with semen.

completion of the ritualAfter this anointing I continue the ritual. After releasing the overflow I’m aware that the sensation of fullness isn’t nearly as strong as it was; however, the erotic energy is still strong.

I continue with my stroking while aware of the symbolism of my semen anointing the phallus. I feel invigorated and am aware of an energetic buildup that I know will be released in a traditional orgasm with strong contractions.

When I am ready I surrender to the orgasmic experience and release more semen onto the phallus.

When complete I am aware that I am satisfied and complete. I am also aware of continued erotic energy  – I don’t feel drained even after all that release.

Playing with this intentional erotic energy is also a great way to mark that this is the shortest day. Beginning today the days will get longer.

The End of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

Posted by ed on December 19, 2010
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I don’t often write about political issues here, but I couldn’t ignore the recent passage in the US Senate to repeal ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.’

I remember when I was finishing up high school that my father encouraged me to look into a military academy or join ROTC. Although this was a different era than now (it was the late 70′s), I knew then that anything connected with the military wasn’t for me. I didn’t call myself gay then (I wasn’t quite ready for that yet) but I knew that I was attracted to other guys and the staunchly anti-gay military would not be good for me.

Fast forward to today… I believe that it’s critical that young gay people see the the world is full of opportunities for them too and that they don’t have to pretend to be someone they’re not to enjoy those opportunities. Too often gay people feel left out. Sometimes this feeling of being left out is unintentional. Other times, like DADT, it’s quite intentional. Every time we’re left out or forced to be something we’re not a door gets slammed in our face.

As I read comments from Republican senators who voted against this bill, I can’t help but feel enraged. Their comments of “it’s not broke so don’t fix it” or “unit cohesion will fall apart” are hollow. The problem is that it IS broke! Good people are forced to be something they’re not to be a part of something else that’s important to them. It’s really tiring to have to pay attention to pronouns – every gay person has been there and each time we change the gender it’s another reminder of those doors slamming.

The argument that cohesion will fall apart also doesn’t ring true. Cohesion is built on trust and DADT forced people to be someone else. In other words to do the very thing that diminishes trust. Yes, trust is earned; and the first place to begin trust is with ourselves by being our genuine self.

There’s still more to do to be a completely equal person as a gay man or lesbian in this country, but this is a great step in that direction.

Anal Self Touch

Posted by ed on December 17, 2010
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As infants we take delight in all parts of our body. We explore every area and learn how to sense, how to feel. We notice what feels good and want more of that.

As we grow older we learn to distance ourselves from our bodies. We learn to put judgments on our erotic interests. We learn to separate ourselves from our bodies.

Nowhere is this more pronounced than in the anal area. The anus is blessed with many nerves and can experience and generate much sensation. Unfortunately, many of us learned to associate shame, disgust or even fear with anal sensations.

Many of us clamped down tight and have never let go since. We learned to armor our bodies so that we wouldn’t be shamed or punished. This armor is so tight and so pronounced that many of us aren’t even aware that it’s there.

We’re going to slowly learn to get comfortable with our anuses again. The good news is that we can learn to relax and reclaim this important part of the body.

It’s important to pay attention to pain when starting anal play. We often get ahead of ourselves and try to insert larger and larger objects. Some of us believe that it’s supposed to hurt the first few times. This is simply not true. Pain is you body’s way of telling you that you’re not relaxed enough. The tissues, when relaxed, can accommodate a large object. If it’s hurting you should slow down or stop and spend some time breathing to relax your body. Once relaxed object of most any size can be inserted easily.

Many of us aren’t used to paying attention to our anuses. The only time most of us are even aware of our anal area is when something hurts or we have to go to the bathroom. This exercise is intended to help you learn to listen to your anal area.

Begin by relaxing your body. I suggest a warm bath or shower not only to relax but to also clean the anal area. Lay down or get into a reclining position. If you’re not that familiar with your own anus, I’d recommend using a mirror so that you can get a good view.

Begin by waking up your entire body. Similar to what you did when waking up your body for genital stimulation. Include your entire body – including your genitals and your anus. Breathe deeply to relax your body!

Pay particular attention to the perineum – the area between your anus and the base of your scrotum. If you are hard, you can feel the root of your penis from this area. Include more gentle gliding strokes over your anus. Breathe deeply and relax your anus on the inhale.

With dry hands (no lube) use both hands to gently stretch open the anus. Very gently pull from opposite sides of your anus to gently expose the interior tissues. The focus of this is on the stretch to wake up the anus.

You may want to do more genital touch as well. Feel free to include as much genital touch as you like, but remember that the focus here is on your anus rather than your genitals.

We’ll then want to add some lube and do some gliding strokes concentrated on the anus. These glides can feel simply wonderful. There’s no need to go internal. You can begin by gliding your finger across your anus. It can feel especially wonderful to do a “finger walk” brushing your fingers across your anus.

Circles can feel very nice too. Take a lubed finger and make light, gentle circles around your anus. Experiment with different directions and different amounts of pressure.

Go slow. Let go of expectations and objectives. Enjoy!

Practicing Connection

Posted by ed on December 14, 2010
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Being in connection can be really hard to do. We don’t have lots of practice at it Oh sure, there are attempts, an example is what I call corporate connection – connection at work. It usually look like lots of eye contact and close listening. But actually, the eye contact is more of a stare-through. You’re not meeting the eyes of the other person, you actually staring right through them and looking at the wall behind them. It’s a power contest – not actual connection.

So let’s practice making and breaking connections. It’s really easy to practice and opportunities happen all the time. Next time you’re in the grocery store try practicing with the checkout clerk. Rather than the perfunctory greeting, try meeting the clerk’s eyes and saying a genuine hello. Nothing fancy, just hello. Try for just a second to see the human instead of the checkout clerk. This connection doesn’t have to be very long – just a second or two. In fact anything longer gets to be a bit creepy.

When you’re done and ready to leave, practice breaking the connection by saying goodbye and leaving. Again, nothing fancy, just practice establishing and breaking connection.  We often think that connection is this big deal that leads from saying hello right into getting married. And that assumption often keeps us out of connection. If we practice starting and stopping connection in our everyday life, you’ll be amazed at how your interactions develop.

You’ll also begin to have more confidence when making connections that are more important to you!

Erotic Trance

Posted by ed on December 12, 2010
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erotic tranceWhat is erotic trance? Erotic trance is a state induced by erotic activity in which we learn to completely let go, surrender to the experience and simply be present to the experience. The mental noise goes away and all we’re aware of is the sensations in the body. I think it’s close to completely letting go during meditation. Your mind is completely free. There’s no background noise – no mindless chatter about all the things in life that we all have to do. The mind goes completely quiet and the body takes over. Further, the mind lets go of the noise around our erotic lives. We’re not concerned with how we look or what the other person thinks of us. We aren’t concerned about making too much or not enough noise. We’re completely taken over by erotic sensations.

Drugs aren’t needed to access this trance. In many ways it’s like the moment of orgasm. It’s pretty hard to be occupied with lots of thoughts as you’re cumming! The primary difference is that erotic trance lasts much longer than most orgasms.

How can I get there?

The key to erotic trance is a conscious focus on the breath. Most men, when experiencing increased erotic energy, tend to hold the breath and tense the muscles. These actions keep the erotic energy from circulating throughout the body. This first exercise is intended to help you focus on your breath and also to slow down the ‘normal’ masturbation experience.

Plan on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Find a comfortable place where you can relax. Throughout these exercises I strongly recommend that you have a mirror close by where you can observe your body. This is especially important for men who are visually oriented – these men use their visual sense more than other senses.

Most men masturbate for under 15 minutes before ejaculation. For this exercise you’ll be breathing for 15 minutes. You may want to have a clock visible.

Position the mirror where you can see your face and most of your body. Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. This may include candles, music, items of personal significance, or erotic toys. Use whatever works for you. I strongly recommend that you do not use porn. Porn can be a wonderful thing, but for this tutorial I invite you to put it away.

Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or relaxed. Try not to judge you feelings – just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.

As you’re doing this check-in open your mouth and take nice deep slow breaths. Make some noise with your breath. Keep the effort only on the inhale. Let the exhale fall; there’s no need to push the exhale out.

As you’re breathing be aware of your cock and balls. There’s no need to touch them yet – just be aware that they exist. Feel your cock and balls hang. Be aware of the muscles in your pelvis. See if you can relax these muscles on the inhale. This is easier if you breathe into your belly rather than your chest.

Enjoy and savor!


Posted by ed on December 5, 2010
Posted in Gay life  | Tagged With: | 1 Comment

I believe that the most common issue facing gay men is a longing for connection. The ironic part is that many of us are also afraid of connection. Sometimes that fear is concern around where things will lead. Other times that fear is around what the other person thinks of us.

I know for myself that my mental noise around my own adequacy gets in the way all the time. I keep playing those same old, tired message that usually revolve around the belief that I’m not good enough. When I succumb to this belief, there’s no way I’m going to connect with someone else because I stop myself before I even get started.

Another issue is not having practice establishing and breaking connection. Establishing connection is not that easy. It’s funny, here in San Francisco, I really notice how far people will go to avoid eye contact in public. Out on the sidewalks everyone has earbuds on or is talking on their phone – many times just to avoid contact with other people! We don’t have practice at establishing connection.

Many gay men have also lost the art of connection in public. Of course the bar scene isn’t for everyone, but it does offer an opportunity to practice connection. The art of flirtation is an exercise in connection. It offers us a way to practice connecting with others – sometimes from a distance. Now that many connections are formed on line, I think we’ve lost the art of in person connection.

Then we don’t know how to break the connection. It’s as if we think that if we connect with someone we’re going to be together for a lifetime. Of course, that’s all make up. Breaking connection is hard, but with practice we can learn how to do it.

I personally find the most difficult part of connection to be staying present during the connection. Our minds are always wondering. We’re thinking about what’s next or what previously happened, or other things we have to do. When we’re in these other places, we not present to what’s going on in the current moment. A key to staying in connection is to be present to the connection.

I’m going to be exploring all these themes and more in upcoming posts about connection.